sometimes i just can't understand myself. for so long i feel like i've been done with insecurity. but every once in a while it just pops it's ugly little head up. at times that don't even make any sense. at times when my secureness shouldn't even be in question. for any reason. just normal nights. and yet i somehow can't help feeling like i'm not enough. that something is missing. that something is wrong with me. or maybe it's like i'm feeling like i'm missing out. i don't even know. i've been so defensive lately. i'm trying to plan for the future, and hoping that certain things will work out in my favor, and i'm finding myself freaking out about it. since when do i freak out about anything? there are so many possibilities on the horizon, one of which in particular i hope so much will work out. and the thing is, it's only a possibility in my head. there is no physical evidence to back it up, whatsoever. but i guess that's just the way it goes sometimes. i can't put down what it is here, because i would probably just make myself look like an idiot for even holding on to the slightest hope that it would work out. not probably, i would. and yet i'm banking so much on this particular thing working out. and getting myself super bummed out on the idea that it might not work out, even though, as i said, there is nothing whatsoever to even confirm that it's actually a real possibility. oh well. i suppose that's the way it goes sometimes. there are days when the way your heart screams out it's plans and desires just drowns out all sense of logic and reproach.
i miss being on tour. i need this. or at least i think i do. i don't actually need anything other than water, a little food, and something over my head when i sleep.
but i suppose these feelings too, shall come to pass. i'm kind of banking on that with a lot of feelings in my life right now.
finding peace is never a road traveled lightly. treading thin ice is becoming the norm.
stop. breathe.
you are but a child. remember that. always.
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