Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.
Exhale all the terror that fills your lungs.
That cripples your senses.
If this were not your night, breath would simply cease.
So breathe, sweet child.
Let the beauty fill you.
Take you over.
There is hope, yet, little one.
Live it.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Fear and Self Loathing
When did I become the enemy?
When did the curtain I work so tirelessly to tear begin to crush me?
When did the realization of all that I am begin to dull into a pounding ache?
When did I lose control?
When did I ever have control?
When did I become more obsessed with chasing illusions than reality?
When did fantasy's devolve into nightmares?
Oh how we pine.
Strive.
Hope.
Die.
Is this what we were meant for?
Where do you fit into this?
Will I die alone here?
I fear I will.
I am afraid.
When did the curtain I work so tirelessly to tear begin to crush me?
When did the realization of all that I am begin to dull into a pounding ache?
When did I lose control?
When did I ever have control?
When did I become more obsessed with chasing illusions than reality?
When did fantasy's devolve into nightmares?
Oh how we pine.
Strive.
Hope.
Die.
Is this what we were meant for?
Where do you fit into this?
Will I die alone here?
I fear I will.
I am afraid.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
fall
we are the struggle.
we are the journey.
we are past due.
we are forever.
we are nothing.
i am nothing.
this is now.
we are the journey.
we are past due.
we are forever.
we are nothing.
i am nothing.
this is now.
Monday, March 23, 2009
night drive
tonight i was driving home and listening to a song i hadn't heard in some time. it came to a part that was speaking of our relationship to god as people, and the lyrics simply state:
"this is romance."
i burst completely and unapologetically into tears. for several minutes.
i need to have more moments like that. they're good for my soul.
"this is romance."
i burst completely and unapologetically into tears. for several minutes.
i need to have more moments like that. they're good for my soul.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
noticed
"hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a dream fulfilled is a wellspring of life."
-proverbs 13:12-
i've been thinking about this a lot lately. hope is such a funny thing. an odd entity. sometimes i feel like the first half of this verse is the story of my life, and i'm still waiting to find out if the other half is actually true. i can only imagine it is. i can only hope that it is. but sometimes i have tendancies to hyperbolize my circumstances. at least in my own head. in actuality i've seen many dreams fulfilled in my life. sometimes i've had dreams suddenly fulfilled that i never even knew i had. i guess i think that not seeing your dreams come true is not nearly as much of a tragedy as thinking that none of your dreams have come true, and limiting yourself and your dreams always to the intangible. so many people live their lives with huge dreams and aspirations, which is a wonderful thing, but so often they tend to see everything in between as a blur. as something that exists outside the realm of their dreams. what a waste. i absolutely cannot think of a worse way to spend your days. always living in the shadow of something you hope for, but letting everything else pass you by. dream big, by all means. but also dream small. dream simply. i read somewhere that in an effort to show that we're so wrapped up in our little lives, we miss out on everything around us. a study was done in which a violin player of the world symphony orchestra (or whatever it's called), arguably the best violin player in the entire world, was sent into a new york city subway in jeans and a t-shirt to play violin, just to see if anyone would notice. he played beautifully for 8 hours, and maybe a hand full of people stopped to notice. i don't want to waste my life like that anymore. there's so much beauty to be found. tonight i sat at a pizza place and held a conversation with a girl sitting at an adjacent table. her name was charity. we didn't have much to talk about, but i could tell she was lonely and just needed someone to pay attention to her. she'd probably been trying to talk to people all night as she was sitting there, and was probably just ignored. so even though i didn't have much to say, and honestly didn't really want to talk to her, i tried to include her in my conversation as much as i could, simply for the pure fact that it could have made her entire night for someone to notice her and just talk to her. i sit here and talk all high and mighty like i live like this all the time. i don't. i really don't. but i also really wish that i did. there's something beautiful about a life lived in endless possibilities. the possibility of huge dreams being fulfilled all the way down to the dream of just being able to care for someone that needs to be cared for.
i'm rambling. i think what i'm trying to say is this: don't get so caught up in your dreams and passions that you let your life pass you by. you'll find yourself sorely disappointed. i think john lennon said it best:
"life is what happens while we're busy making plans."
but a dream fulfilled is a wellspring of life."
-proverbs 13:12-
i've been thinking about this a lot lately. hope is such a funny thing. an odd entity. sometimes i feel like the first half of this verse is the story of my life, and i'm still waiting to find out if the other half is actually true. i can only imagine it is. i can only hope that it is. but sometimes i have tendancies to hyperbolize my circumstances. at least in my own head. in actuality i've seen many dreams fulfilled in my life. sometimes i've had dreams suddenly fulfilled that i never even knew i had. i guess i think that not seeing your dreams come true is not nearly as much of a tragedy as thinking that none of your dreams have come true, and limiting yourself and your dreams always to the intangible. so many people live their lives with huge dreams and aspirations, which is a wonderful thing, but so often they tend to see everything in between as a blur. as something that exists outside the realm of their dreams. what a waste. i absolutely cannot think of a worse way to spend your days. always living in the shadow of something you hope for, but letting everything else pass you by. dream big, by all means. but also dream small. dream simply. i read somewhere that in an effort to show that we're so wrapped up in our little lives, we miss out on everything around us. a study was done in which a violin player of the world symphony orchestra (or whatever it's called), arguably the best violin player in the entire world, was sent into a new york city subway in jeans and a t-shirt to play violin, just to see if anyone would notice. he played beautifully for 8 hours, and maybe a hand full of people stopped to notice. i don't want to waste my life like that anymore. there's so much beauty to be found. tonight i sat at a pizza place and held a conversation with a girl sitting at an adjacent table. her name was charity. we didn't have much to talk about, but i could tell she was lonely and just needed someone to pay attention to her. she'd probably been trying to talk to people all night as she was sitting there, and was probably just ignored. so even though i didn't have much to say, and honestly didn't really want to talk to her, i tried to include her in my conversation as much as i could, simply for the pure fact that it could have made her entire night for someone to notice her and just talk to her. i sit here and talk all high and mighty like i live like this all the time. i don't. i really don't. but i also really wish that i did. there's something beautiful about a life lived in endless possibilities. the possibility of huge dreams being fulfilled all the way down to the dream of just being able to care for someone that needs to be cared for.
i'm rambling. i think what i'm trying to say is this: don't get so caught up in your dreams and passions that you let your life pass you by. you'll find yourself sorely disappointed. i think john lennon said it best:
"life is what happens while we're busy making plans."
Saturday, March 21, 2009
seven
this is substantial.
this is madness.
this is disaster.
this is everything.
this is nothing.
i am everything.
i am nothing.
this is it.
we are alive.
this is hope.
this is madness.
this is disaster.
this is everything.
this is nothing.
i am everything.
i am nothing.
this is it.
we are alive.
this is hope.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
elemental
i think it's funny how sometimes the smallest things can change your day. i had dinner with an amazing friend last night (love you gretchen!) and got to have breakfast with another amazing friend this morning. the smallest interactions can always have the biggest impact on me. this morning i just got to love on a friend who was in a really hard place and really needed that. we just got to sit and talk and catch up for a couple of hours. she's struggling with her beliefs about life and god right now, and one of the things i mentioned to her was that the only times i am ever completely convinced of god's existence beyond a shadow of a doubt, is when i get the chance to love on people. i think that's what god designed us for. and i think when we love people, we fulfill everything that we're meant to be. it's in those moments that you just see god so clearly. so i mentioned that to her, and now i'm sitting here at home realizing that i'm having one of those moments of clarity. i got to spend some good quality time forgetting myself and just loving a fellow human being. there's something so important in that. something so vital to our existence. i think god perfectly orchestrated it that way. whenever we forget ourselves and make the people around us the focus of our attention, something unbelievable happens. something within ourselves transforms and shifts. whenever i love on people, i am able to love god so much more clearly and attentatively. maybe because i understand him just a little bit more. all god does and is, is love. and i think when we love we get a clearer glimpse of who he is and why he does what he does. sometimes it just blows me away. so simple. so mystical. so profound. so.... right. it's something that reassures you that there is both good and right in the world, and that both of those things are completely of god and come only from him.
daddy, i need to listen to you more often, teach me how to love all the time. i'm in for this journey. for life. please just do this with me, so that we may be the journey together. i love you. i'm learning to love as you do.
daddy, i need to listen to you more often, teach me how to love all the time. i'm in for this journey. for life. please just do this with me, so that we may be the journey together. i love you. i'm learning to love as you do.
Monday, March 9, 2009
on the subject of failure
stop.
seconds beat out such an infinitesmal cacophany through space and time.
incandescence softly blurs the shadows that draw the lines between this life and the nether.
why this place?!
hope eradicates itself in the sheer sterility.
life elegantly slips it's way through the softest fingertips
while the tears of the common passerby wash the landscape
into a bleak finality of existentialist nightmares.
and it was there i lay. dying.
stagnant.
such a repulsive creature in a worthless state.
and it was there, waiting to die in such soft light,
that i found myself faced with mine own thoughts in a parody of the abyss.
and then they come.
those wretches.
thieves.
liars.
murderers.
the blood we share curdles in my veins.
-blood the first-
"what wasted life!!
what abstract epiphany turned etherial damnation!
o flesh of my flesh!
o cursed wretch of mine womb!
what have i borne?!
in all my years of labor, in all my days of absolution,
never have i borne witness to an abomination of equals!
daily, i pray to whatever gods may be for
your putrid remains to be scourged from our presence.
the rancid abcess that fills the cavity in your skull
should have been drained and laid to rest long ago my wretched child.
whatever remains is not human.
nor is it any longer my offspring.
validity absolves itself in your presence.
cease from your useless leaching of life
and embrace the repose you so deserve!
dust to dust!"
despair. sweet. ever sweet despair.
when mine own bearer forsakes the fruit of her womb,
all is lost.
continue.
-blood the second-
"come now my son, enter the gates which house
the desparaged state you left so long ago.
enjoy the courtyard scenery, bitter son.
set your gaze upon the lovely gallows
your absentia has built.
look at them!
see the final ballads of your loved ones,
danglng to the most elegant of creaking sounds.
this is yours.
and yours alone.
let the stagnant rot of our shattered lives
seep it's way into every one of your pores.
let it nauseate everything that you are.
let it permeate your soul until you join us
in the vice of the tomb.
and under the willow that weeps her soul
to one that would only listen,
there will you be put to final rest.
so that we may bury all that may remain of us.
leave this place.
it is no longer yours.
the time has come for your debt to be paid.
may god have mercy on your forsaken soul, son.
we do not."
father! my father. why hast thou forsaken me?!
life seeps from my bones.
how much more shall i be made to bear?
life prose.
-blood the third-
"i will bear final witness.
your transgressions compound.
heaping burdens and debts that long for blood.
and these hands are ready to claim
all accounts receivable...
did you truly believe your treacheries would go unpunished?
do you consider yourself immune?!
you are the plague.
my plague.
our plague.
rotting souls decrepidly nestle in your eye sockets,
finding home as beggers at the gates of the blackness
that purports to call itself your soul.
you have destroyed me.
all that we built.
all that was to be burning.
it falls.
rising in ashes.
fueled by mine despair of that which
never even had the chance to be.
taken!
by the king of liars.
thieves.
murderers.
rapists.
you desparage the very existence of my being.
tears converge upon a river of exsanguination.
i have been bled dry!!
tonight the stars call for retribution in full...
darling, you are going to pay for what you have done to me.
dearly."
we lose all sense of self.
tonight we digress.
tonight the stars bleed their sorrows.
and i shall taste them evermore.
seconds beat out such an infinitesmal cacophany through space and time.
incandescence softly blurs the shadows that draw the lines between this life and the nether.
why this place?!
hope eradicates itself in the sheer sterility.
life elegantly slips it's way through the softest fingertips
while the tears of the common passerby wash the landscape
into a bleak finality of existentialist nightmares.
and it was there i lay. dying.
stagnant.
such a repulsive creature in a worthless state.
and it was there, waiting to die in such soft light,
that i found myself faced with mine own thoughts in a parody of the abyss.
and then they come.
those wretches.
thieves.
liars.
murderers.
the blood we share curdles in my veins.
-blood the first-
"what wasted life!!
what abstract epiphany turned etherial damnation!
o flesh of my flesh!
o cursed wretch of mine womb!
what have i borne?!
in all my years of labor, in all my days of absolution,
never have i borne witness to an abomination of equals!
daily, i pray to whatever gods may be for
your putrid remains to be scourged from our presence.
the rancid abcess that fills the cavity in your skull
should have been drained and laid to rest long ago my wretched child.
whatever remains is not human.
nor is it any longer my offspring.
validity absolves itself in your presence.
cease from your useless leaching of life
and embrace the repose you so deserve!
dust to dust!"
despair. sweet. ever sweet despair.
when mine own bearer forsakes the fruit of her womb,
all is lost.
continue.
-blood the second-
"come now my son, enter the gates which house
the desparaged state you left so long ago.
enjoy the courtyard scenery, bitter son.
set your gaze upon the lovely gallows
your absentia has built.
look at them!
see the final ballads of your loved ones,
danglng to the most elegant of creaking sounds.
this is yours.
and yours alone.
let the stagnant rot of our shattered lives
seep it's way into every one of your pores.
let it nauseate everything that you are.
let it permeate your soul until you join us
in the vice of the tomb.
and under the willow that weeps her soul
to one that would only listen,
there will you be put to final rest.
so that we may bury all that may remain of us.
leave this place.
it is no longer yours.
the time has come for your debt to be paid.
may god have mercy on your forsaken soul, son.
we do not."
father! my father. why hast thou forsaken me?!
life seeps from my bones.
how much more shall i be made to bear?
life prose.
-blood the third-
"i will bear final witness.
your transgressions compound.
heaping burdens and debts that long for blood.
and these hands are ready to claim
all accounts receivable...
did you truly believe your treacheries would go unpunished?
do you consider yourself immune?!
you are the plague.
my plague.
our plague.
rotting souls decrepidly nestle in your eye sockets,
finding home as beggers at the gates of the blackness
that purports to call itself your soul.
you have destroyed me.
all that we built.
all that was to be burning.
it falls.
rising in ashes.
fueled by mine despair of that which
never even had the chance to be.
taken!
by the king of liars.
thieves.
murderers.
rapists.
you desparage the very existence of my being.
tears converge upon a river of exsanguination.
i have been bled dry!!
tonight the stars call for retribution in full...
darling, you are going to pay for what you have done to me.
dearly."
we lose all sense of self.
tonight we digress.
tonight the stars bleed their sorrows.
and i shall taste them evermore.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
i wonder
what exactly it is that draws us to other people? whether they be of the same sex, the opposite sex, whatever. what is it that draws us so insatiably to community, and what is it within us that dies whenever we are lacking that community? i think i know what it is. i just don't think i understand it.
"you never told me it would be so hard."
"you never told me it would be so hard."
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Ugghhhh
Things currently pissing me off:
1. The electric on sable blvd between alameda and ellsworth.
2. The fact that it's 75 degrees in march. Summer, you can suck it. I don't need record high heat days in my life.
Things currently not pissing me off:
1. MuteMath
2. San Francisco in two weeks.
3. Nashville in April (yessssss!!!! one step closer!! pumped on my new home.)
4. Revolution tonight
5. Seeing amazing old friends this week.
That's probably it for now. Once I leave aurora the good will go back to outweighing the bad. But as for now i'm about this close to galloping into a wooded glen to punch dance out my rage. End transmission.
1. The electric on sable blvd between alameda and ellsworth.
2. The fact that it's 75 degrees in march. Summer, you can suck it. I don't need record high heat days in my life.
Things currently not pissing me off:
1. MuteMath
2. San Francisco in two weeks.
3. Nashville in April (yessssss!!!! one step closer!! pumped on my new home.)
4. Revolution tonight
5. Seeing amazing old friends this week.
That's probably it for now. Once I leave aurora the good will go back to outweighing the bad. But as for now i'm about this close to galloping into a wooded glen to punch dance out my rage. End transmission.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Purpose
I want so badly to love.
I want so badly to know how to love.
I want so badly to be able to love.
I want so badly to have the desire to love.
Teach me.
Show me who you are.
Show me what it means to follow you.
To walk in your ways.
To love like you do.
Show me who you are.
I love you.
I just want to love LIKE you.
Show me.
Teach me.
I'm willing.
I think.
I hope.
I pray.
Live.
Love.
Let.
I want so badly to know how to love.
I want so badly to be able to love.
I want so badly to have the desire to love.
Teach me.
Show me who you are.
Show me what it means to follow you.
To walk in your ways.
To love like you do.
Show me who you are.
I love you.
I just want to love LIKE you.
Show me.
Teach me.
I'm willing.
I think.
I hope.
I pray.
Live.
Love.
Let.
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