pearl.

Colors changing, reminds me of forever
Like a whisper to which I'm clinging.

When autumn snowfalls in new apartments
Paint over everything we had.

When all our days seem to slowly
Melt into nothing
But we passed them warm and together.

But tonight we all fall right down to nothing.
And you think to yourself, "you're not here."

Don't let it fade.
Don't let it fade.
Don't let your silence bring regrets.
Don't let it fade.
Don't let it fade.
Don't let your tears bring jubilation.

But tonight we all fall right down to nothing.
And you think to yourself, "you're not here."

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the lion.

When you see her face
It reminds you of someone to be.
As you walk away
It reminds you to stop and breathe in.

This is your night, and I will be there
I'll carry your sorrows home.
Oh bird without flight, you'll find the sea yeah
And there you won't be alone.
Finding a stone that's worth it's weight.
In time you won't hesitate.

When you see her face
It reminds you of someone to be.
As you walk away
It reminds you to stop and breathe in.

I am your face, I'm the lion
Who haunts all your memories.
Despite your disgrace, I will help you find it
The place you will never see
If you do this all on your own.
Washed to the shore by the undertow.

When you see her face
It reminds you of someone to be.
As you walk away
It reminds you to stop and breathe in.

Watching the hearts on the surface drown
You can't deny your head is spinning around
Don't fall now your homeward bound
You could be free.

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face.

sometimes i wish i was more like the wind.

that i could just readjust and renew whenever and wherever i went.

i wish i wasn't so tied down by my past.

i wish i could let certain people go.

sigh.

but i can't.

at least not yet.

the wind is outside, i can hear it.

moving itself wherever it pleases, without a care for anything or anyone else.

it isn't held down.

it isn't held back.

it just is.

i wish i could describe my life with the sentence: marcus is.

but again, i can't.

it's always going to be: marcus is not.

ok.

fulfilled.

valued.

appreciated.

cared for.

i can't stand these nights.

i wish they would pass with the wind.

but all that damned wind ever does is remind me of the pain that is still left behind.

that she left.

damnit all.

bring it out.

i'm all jimble jambled tonight. i don't know what's going on with me. my heart is in a million different places right now, and i don't really know where any of them are to be exact. anxiety is getting the better of me. since when does that happen? anxiety isn't my thing. not even close. i'm not even anxious. maybe.... apprehensive? i don't know. i wish i knew what was going on with my life. i wish i knew anything. i hate this feeling. no wonder anxiety often devolves into manic depression. i couldn't get used to this. and i really hope i don't have to.

just let it ride.

a great band once said:

"time won't save our souls.

time won't save my soul."

i need to let that sink in.

and breathe. just breathe.

outsider art.

I think I had a pretty profound conversation with god tonight. I was praying, when all of a sudden the phrase "god, paint me" left my lips. Lately I've been trying to think of the bible and this story of Christ and life not as some checklist of do's and don'ts, but rather as the most beautiful and grandiose work in progress painting ever to be undertaken. And when you begin to see Jesus like that, he's quite good at taking your breath away. So seeing god as the artist for this story, this masterpiece, I asked him to paint my life for me. And he quietly responded, "I am the artist, and I am painting you into my story as we speak." there were a few other things said that I don't quite recall, but I was moved to tears. Shortly after that I took communion, and after dipping the bread in the juice, I looked at it and realized that it was the most beautiful paint brush I had ever seen. That was very reassuring. As I think about god painting the story of my life, I like to think of myself as outsider art. Probably not beautiful or understood in the eyes of most, but in the eyes of my creator I am absolutely priceless. I treasure that idea. My heart swoons at it. And I can't help but be moved to tears by something so bold and beautiful. I love you.

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index

Misery rides high tonight.
And everything else skins just below the radar.
This is, in essence, the finer absolution of everything we have come to call home.
And yet I feel no remorse.
I will shed no tears on this solitary evening.
For respite was just never quite ours to begin with.
This rest for which we so aimlessly pine.
We were never destined for it, were we?
Fitting I suppose.
I should have expected as much.
Why would I be able to enjoy my days?
That would give me far too much value in the human sort of sense.
And we can't have that, now, can we?

This is eating away at my eye sockets.
I am slowly disintegrating from the man that I am to the man I simply was.
And now I am a shell.
A hollow being.
Not quite meant for this life.
Or any other for that matter.

I am a machine.
I exist in name only.
I am not really here.
At times I wonder if I ever was.

Slowly, ever so slowly, but with carefully exponentiating grace.

I dissolve.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

facedown

escape is the new serenity.

we're all just suffering from the fallout anyway.

this is all nothing but a game of probability.

and we all have no stake in it.

resplendance was just never quite ours for the taking.

or was it?

we've seen so much thrown down into this watery grave.

and yet we sit here.

skimming the surface.

growing stagnant and becoming one with the stench.

it's permeation grows more and more complete with every day.

and still we will sit. and wait.

and sit and wait and sit and wait.

for some sign of rescue in this garbage chute.

and the days just wander aimlessly by.

how will we pass them?

will we let this ride out the rest of our miserable days?

there is hope.

cling to it.

like you depend solely on it, and nothing else.

because you do, dear friend.

you do.

on the subject of self worth

sometimes i just can't understand myself. for so long i feel like i've been done with insecurity. but every once in a while it just pops it's ugly little head up. at times that don't even make any sense. at times when my secureness shouldn't even be in question. for any reason. just normal nights. and yet i somehow can't help feeling like i'm not enough. that something is missing. that something is wrong with me. or maybe it's like i'm feeling like i'm missing out. i don't even know. i've been so defensive lately. i'm trying to plan for the future, and hoping that certain things will work out in my favor, and i'm finding myself freaking out about it. since when do i freak out about anything? there are so many possibilities on the horizon, one of which in particular i hope so much will work out. and the thing is, it's only a possibility in my head. there is no physical evidence to back it up, whatsoever. but i guess that's just the way it goes sometimes. i can't put down what it is here, because i would probably just make myself look like an idiot for even holding on to the slightest hope that it would work out. not probably, i would. and yet i'm banking so much on this particular thing working out. and getting myself super bummed out on the idea that it might not work out, even though, as i said, there is nothing whatsoever to even confirm that it's actually a real possibility. oh well. i suppose that's the way it goes sometimes. there are days when the way your heart screams out it's plans and desires just drowns out all sense of logic and reproach.

i miss being on tour. i need this. or at least i think i do. i don't actually need anything other than water, a little food, and something over my head when i sleep.

but i suppose these feelings too, shall come to pass. i'm kind of banking on that with a lot of feelings in my life right now.

finding peace is never a road traveled lightly. treading thin ice is becoming the norm.

stop. breathe.

you are but a child. remember that. always.

sigh

There are days when you wonder, "does anyone actually give a shit?"

I think the only thing even close to resembling a life that I have right now is online. And if I stopped blogging/tweeting/status updating/bulletin posting, would anyone care? Would I?

FML.

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seriously?

sometimes i really REALLY cannot stand some of the people that claim to be a part of christ's church and to "know him." for the love of god just let go of this incessant need you feel to be a part of god's moral hygiene committee. you don't know shit. god does not have or need a moral hygiene committee. you are an idiot. maybe when you stop seeing "sinners" as a project or a potential recruit, you'll be able to see them for what they are. people. that's all god saw. jesus didn't see a "project" when he looked at humanity. he saw people. that he loved. so maybe when you let go of your pretentious bullshit attitude about saving the world from immoral people and actions, you'll experience some of the same love that god actually has for us. the love you claim to know. which you don't. i just smoked half a pack of cigarettes because i'm so worked up. fuck.

jesus, i'm so glad you have so much more love than i do. i don't know why it's easier for me to love the people who don't claim to follow you than the people who do. well, actually i do know. i'm glad you're there to love all of them. because i have a lot of trouble with it. please teach me. and calm me down.