Monday, September 7, 2009

red eye

Some nights sleep just avoids me. Like he just skirts around the entire neighborhood. So he's close enough that I know he's nearby, but not close enough for me to be able to do anything with.

I'm thinking tonight. A lot. I have these nights every so often. Where I just lie awake and can't sleep, mind racing a million miles an hour. They happen pretty rarely, so I try not to complain too much when they come around. I've just got so many things spinning around upstairs right now. And there's not really anything I can do with them right now. There's nothing to sort out at the moment. And yet my brain is trying to anyway.

Ideas for the future. Ideas for possibilities. Ideas for possibilities for the future. Or the present. Or whatever semblance of a present and future I can even have at the moment given everything that's currently going on. I don't even know. I'm just racing in circles right now. Not getting anywhere. And it's not that I have anxiety about it. I don't. I just like where things are right now. I like all of the possibilities that things in my life have the chance to become. It's exciting.

I'm seeing so many dreams I've had for so long turning into realities (or at least the tangible possibility to become reality, which is more than I've been able to say for a long time). Music and photography. The only two things of this world I've ever given really given two shits about. And I feel like they both have a good chance of becoming jobs for me at this point. Those aren't jobs!! Are you kidding me?!? Talk about the luckiest boy on earth!! Jobs are boring and stupid. You're not supposed to care about jobs!! And yet these two things that I love so much actually have the potential to provide monetary income in the near future. NUTS!

Of course they're not right now. If only. And who knows. Maybe things won't work out and I'll never end up making money from either of them. God has a funny way of working things out sometimes. I don't know what he's up to yet. All I know is that despite the fact that I have no source of income right now, I have not felt this alive and passionate and free in I don't even know how long. It's like god knew exactly what I needed was a shove out the door so I could stop making excuses about not following my dreams, and just follow them. And so I'm doing it. Sans money. Which is crazy. And I have never been less worried in my entire life.

God is crazy. Crazy good. And I know he'll provide for me. Lord knows I don't need a whole lot to live off of. 70% of the worlds population make and live off of less than $2 American per day. Half of that (roughly 1/3) live off of less than $1 American per day. If they can manage, so can I. I'd rather starve to death spending my time doing the things I love than be loaded and hating everything about my life. And I can do that at this point in my life. I have no dependants. And I'm not planning on getting any anytime soon. And by anytime soon I mean ever. I'm on the single for life plan. Big time.

So in the end of all my ranting and raving I just want to say this: God is good. Real good. And I'm really glad he's got me where he does right now. Love you daddy.

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