catastrophic

some days it just hits you. hard.

i don't know what it is, but there are days when everything just goes straight to hell in a flaming bucket of bolts and scrap metal. do you know what i mean?

hearts are such an odd, completely intangible and yet completely monumental thing. which is scary to think about. how you can go from being a sane, calm, rational person one minute, to a flaming douche in a second because something sets you off. something digs into the scars in your heart and squeezes out all the blood you've been working on just getting back into your veins for so long. and it ruins you. it just ruins you.

i had a couple days like that this week. and they were not proud moments.

sigh.

jesus, please show me what this pain is that's been lurking beneath the surface. please bring it out and let's deal with it. i thought i was done with all of this. i finally felt good about it. and then one thing sparks it off and the whole thing crashes and burns. i guess i'm not done with it (though by my timing standards, i feel like i should be by now).

however long it takes, i'm in this. i'm in for the long haul. at least i'd like to imagine i am. though sometimes i feel that if i really believed that i wouldn't have catastrophic meltdowns every time she digs her poisonous fingernails into my veins. and there i go again.

jesus please help. i need it. big time.