sock drawer epiphanies

this evening i was doing something simple. routine. boring even. putting away laundry. nothing exciting. i've been being pretty organized and clean lately (which is something that's completely huge for me, it's really never happened before). so as i'm putting away my laundry, i'm separating it out, and i come to socks and underoo's, which all go in one drawer. i open up the drawer and start stuffing them all in. and then it hits me. here i am, thinking i'm being super organized because my clean laundry is going into drawers rather than being dumped on the floor, and yet i look in this drawer, and it's complete madness. and whenever my room is clean, that's always how it is. clothes just stuffed into drawers, receipts, important documents and all sorts of riff raff and crap just stuffed into more drawers, excess stuff piled up almost waist high in my closet. but so long as the drawers are all closed and the closet door shuts, everything looks magnificent.

as i realized that's how i organize things, i started to realize that that single fact says so much more about me than i ever realized. i started to think about my life. lately a lot of things in my life haven't been going well. a lot of things have been going well, especially on the outside view of things. but my heart, my soul, a lot of those things have just not been doing well. and i rarely, rarely open that up to people. i started to realize that my life is a lot like my room. as long as things look neat and tidy and organized, and i feel like things on the outside are neat and tidy and organized, then all of the storms of crap going on is easily ignorable. ignorable by everyone else because they don't even know it's there, and ignorable by me because no one else knows it's going on. i've always struggled with this. always.

everyone always wonders why i don't keep my room more organized when it's clean and organized. i think i'm starting to get it.

who has self portrait epiphanies while putting their laundry away? i'm so weird sometimes. haha.