FUCK.

just. fuck. fucking fuck. bullshit.

Bop Skizzum Shoot.

some shots i did recently for the flobots side project band bop skizzum. i'm stoked on the way these turned out.

it's official.

marcusbaney.com has been purchased. website should be launching soon thanks to the super sick dudes over at interlaced designs. make sure you check them out! thanks adam and travis!

Vicki Cicala.

Some promo shots I did for local singer/songwriter Vicki Cicala recently. Check it. Dig.

need an assistant!

hey everybody. i'm looking for assistants for a couple of photo shoots i have this week. i can afford to pay you in experience and hugs. if you're interested let me know. thanks!

clone

This is the end.
I am a shell. A tomb.
I am where I began.
Naked. Cold. Afraid.
I can only seem to clone myself in patterns that are far too played out.
And even then, the fabric just doesn't seem to hold.
My heart cries out with every stitch removed.
This wasn't made for this.
I wasn't made for this.
Am I where I began?
Or has my digression forsaken my progress?
Backwards. Forwards.
Who can tell with this thick, wet blanket coating everything I know.
I am the opposite of grace.
I am the opposite of humility.
I am the opposite of worthy.
I am the opposite of everything that is good.
I am the opposite of You.
How can we coexist?!
I can see no way to merge.
No possible coalescence.
I can't see anything.
Absolved into a thin piece of remorse,
I am fully prepared to shatter at even the slightest nuance.
I am regret.


But I, dear one, am not.
I am redemption.
I am desire.
I am who you are not.
I am who I am.
I am.

And I believe in you.

Feel the beat of life once more, child.
Sometimes you have to feel the sting of life simply to remember you are alive.
And sometimes you fall.
But fret not, my sweet child.
I am forever yours.
And you are forever mine.
Let that be enough for just this one solitary evening.
We shall face the challenges of the new day on the morrow.
Together.
Now rest.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

yes please.

i think the time has come for constant ingestion of massive quantities of this:

it's crazy

how god can provide sometimes. especially if you just trust him. i really don't know where i'd be without him right now. pursuing your dreams can be hard. very hard. especially when you have nights like i did on saturday, when i found out there was $6 in my checking account. yes, 6. but god is good. he provides for my needs. i do have more than that in my account now, just in case you were wondering. this whole chasing after what i want thing is really scary, especially the financial aspect, but god is always providing. always giving me new avenues. i have a lot of exciting things in the works right now. working on finalizing some big shoots (not necessarily money wise, but contact wise at least), i'm actually in the process of starting a new band, i believe we're set to record this coming weekend. so who knows, maybe i'll actually get to head back out on tour some time soon. that would be neat. all in all, i just wanted to write something to attest to god's overall goodness in my life. even when it's dark, and it seems like i'm not doing the right thing, or what i want to do won't work out, god shows up out of nowhere and gives me what i need. i'm still alive. still breathing. there's still food in my fridge. my heat is on. i may be living meagerly at the moment, but i'm still living. and there's a lot to be said purely in that fact. i'm happy right now. i love living life in a manner which would scare the crap out of most people, and to be honest, a lot of days it scares me, but i'm right where i want to be, and i wouldn't trade that for anything.

love your life.

help please?!

i am in need of a pretty modern house/high rise apartment with modern furniture, or somewhere with very vintage style furniture for a shoot. i can pay you in hugs and cookies. if you know anyone that has these sorts of digs PLEASE let me know. thanks!

Photographic Dictionary [M]

[M] is for Manly.

man⋅ly  [man-lee] - adverb, adjective

1. having qualities traditionally ascribed to men, as strength or bravery.
2. pertaining to or suitable for males: manly sports.
3. Archaic. in a manly manner.

Photographic Dictionary [L]

[L] is for Leaf.

leaf  [leef] – noun

1. one of the expanded, usually green organs borne by the stem of a plant.
2. any similar or corresponding lateral outgrowth of a stem.
3. a petal: a rose leaf.
4. leaves collectively; foliage.

it seems

that every time i have something that seems good going for me, it just falls through. i have no place here. i do not belong.

i am the vines of the sea. and comfort eludes me.

new photography page

if anyone out there is on myspace, please add the new photography page i just created. www.myspace.com/marcusbaneyphotography. thank you!!

Justin Kryszan

some promo shots for a neat dude named justin kryszan i did recently. check out his music at www.myspace.com/geeijoseph.

Photographic Dictionary [K]

[K] is for Killer.

kill⋅er  [kil-er] – adjective Slang.

1.Slang. something or someone having a formidable impact, devastating effect, etc.: The math test was a real killer.
2.severe; powerful: a killer cold.
3.very difficult or demanding: a killer chess tournament.
4.highly effective; superior: a killer recipe for fried chicken.

The Juggalog

So, through a very strange series of events, which I won't delve into here, one of my best friends is selling t-shirts for a band called (hed) P.E. on their current tour. That tour, just so happens to be with the band ICP. Yes, my friend Dustin is on tour with ICP. If you're anything like me, you are completely intrigued by this "juggalo" subculture, as is Dustin. Therefore, in an effort to decipher this way of life, Dustin has created a blog where he will be recording all of his thoughts, notes, observations, research, and findings into what exactly comprises this way of life. And it's going to be incredible. Check out his blog here. That is all.

Photographic Dictionary [J]

[J] is for Jazz.

jazz  [jaz] – noun

1.music originating in New Orleans around the beginning of the 20th century and subsequently developing through various increasingly complex styles, generally marked by intricate, propulsive rhythms, polyphonic ensemble playing, improvisatory, virtuosic solos, melodic freedom, and a harmonic idiom ranging from simple diatonicism through chromaticism to atonality.

yes, i know, this photo is pretty noisy. i like it that way. it makes me feel like it's a real print. remember those?!

Vanessa Voss Promo's

Some promotional shots I did recently for my friend Vanessa Voss. Check her music out. Dig it.

first senior pictures shoot

these are my favorite two from my first ever shoot for senior portraits. check it.

A Dialogue

Tonight I had a few moments to ponder my financial situation. A few too many moments as a matter of fact. And I started stressing. So I decided to sit and write a song, and the lyrics ended up coming out more as a plea to God. This is how it started:

In the shadows the still of the night
Is calling you home.
I still remember them burning so bright
As if to say, "you're not alone."

We are the fallen of men.
Goodnight.

The "them" I was referring to as burning was the oil lamps the Hebrews lit that burned all night on just a little bit of oil in the old testament. For reference.

Then I needed to write a chorus. It turned out that God wrote it for me. To me.

"But I won't leave your side.
I'll carry you home.
See how the stars always shine?"

I sung it a few times and then cried for a while. Sometimes the beauty and power of God in my life is just so overwhelming. It just completely dwarfs everything that could possibly bring me down.

"Do not fear the troubles of this world, for I have overcome the world, and everything in it."

- Jesus - John 16:33

I think I need to cry some more. Beautiful moments have a tendancy to do that to you. I also think I'm going to finish the rest of this song tomorrow. Too much for one evening.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Photographic Dictionary [I]

[I] is for Idea.

i⋅de⋅a  [ahy-dee-uh, ahy-deeuh] – noun

1. any conception existing in the mind as a result of mental understanding, awareness, or activity.
2. a thought, conception, or notion:
3. an impression:
4. an opinion, view, or belief:

red eye

Some nights sleep just avoids me. Like he just skirts around the entire neighborhood. So he's close enough that I know he's nearby, but not close enough for me to be able to do anything with.

I'm thinking tonight. A lot. I have these nights every so often. Where I just lie awake and can't sleep, mind racing a million miles an hour. They happen pretty rarely, so I try not to complain too much when they come around. I've just got so many things spinning around upstairs right now. And there's not really anything I can do with them right now. There's nothing to sort out at the moment. And yet my brain is trying to anyway.

Ideas for the future. Ideas for possibilities. Ideas for possibilities for the future. Or the present. Or whatever semblance of a present and future I can even have at the moment given everything that's currently going on. I don't even know. I'm just racing in circles right now. Not getting anywhere. And it's not that I have anxiety about it. I don't. I just like where things are right now. I like all of the possibilities that things in my life have the chance to become. It's exciting.

I'm seeing so many dreams I've had for so long turning into realities (or at least the tangible possibility to become reality, which is more than I've been able to say for a long time). Music and photography. The only two things of this world I've ever given really given two shits about. And I feel like they both have a good chance of becoming jobs for me at this point. Those aren't jobs!! Are you kidding me?!? Talk about the luckiest boy on earth!! Jobs are boring and stupid. You're not supposed to care about jobs!! And yet these two things that I love so much actually have the potential to provide monetary income in the near future. NUTS!

Of course they're not right now. If only. And who knows. Maybe things won't work out and I'll never end up making money from either of them. God has a funny way of working things out sometimes. I don't know what he's up to yet. All I know is that despite the fact that I have no source of income right now, I have not felt this alive and passionate and free in I don't even know how long. It's like god knew exactly what I needed was a shove out the door so I could stop making excuses about not following my dreams, and just follow them. And so I'm doing it. Sans money. Which is crazy. And I have never been less worried in my entire life.

God is crazy. Crazy good. And I know he'll provide for me. Lord knows I don't need a whole lot to live off of. 70% of the worlds population make and live off of less than $2 American per day. Half of that (roughly 1/3) live off of less than $1 American per day. If they can manage, so can I. I'd rather starve to death spending my time doing the things I love than be loaded and hating everything about my life. And I can do that at this point in my life. I have no dependants. And I'm not planning on getting any anytime soon. And by anytime soon I mean ever. I'm on the single for life plan. Big time.

So in the end of all my ranting and raving I just want to say this: God is good. Real good. And I'm really glad he's got me where he does right now. Love you daddy.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

paper hearts

miles of distance.
years of discourse.

and this is the song we sing.

hearts too fragile tear all too easily.

tonight i shall continue to sing this same song.
the one i've found myself singing over and over again.

and every time it graces my lips, i'm already tired of it's tune.
tonight is no different.
these lyrics have grown stale, stagnant.
and yet they continue to describe me.
to so accurately portray my story.

what does that say about me?
how stale have i become?

this state begs a deeper inspection.
shall i step inside myself again?
will i be disgusted with what i find?

time continues to wear it's crooked graces across my weathered soul.

this separation bears witness to my decay.

and so we continue to sing this song and dance this dance.

let my lips not grow weary, dear provider.
rather, let me see these notes and bars in a new way.
a way in which i see them for how you composed them,
rather than for the song they currently sing.

so shall i continue.

repose.

tell me

just how the fuck are you supposed to forget someone when they continually invade your dreams? any idea's? ah pain. my arch nemesis and oldest friend. welcome back home. fuck my life.

exciting things

trip to indianapolis is in the bag. i am now sitting back at DIA after being home for a few hours, ready to jet set to nashville for what i hope will be a fantastic weekend. things are shaping up nicely. god, i don't know how you work things out the way you do sometimes, but you are awesome. i should know within a week where things in life are headed. nuts.

new workout routine

i am so stoked on lifting these days it's not even funny. the recent addition of NO shotgun to my preworkout routine is incredible. as dave would say, i was getting decent pumps, but now i am getting beyond decent pumps. decent. hahaha. i crack myself up with how ridiculous i'm getting. lord help me.

Photographic Dictionary [H]

[H] is for Hear

hear  [heer] – verb

1.to perceive by the ear: Didn't you hear the doorbell?
2.to learn by the ear or by being told; be informed of: to hear news.
3.to listen to; give or pay attention to: They refused to hear our side of the argument.
4.to be among the audience at or of (something): to hear a recital.

My friends in the band Oh, Sleeper let me snap a few live shots of them at their recent show in Colorado Springs. Amazing band, even better dudes. They just put out a new record called "Son of the Morning" on Solid State. Do yourself a favor and go pick it up.

photo shoots

due to my recent acquisition of a professional studio lighting set up, i am currently booking free photo shoots. so if you are a band/senior/couple/anyone who needs professional quality photo's, hit me up. if you know anyone that needs shoots please send them my way. i am booking for free right now to build my portfolio, and you can't get much better than free. so do it to it. thanks kids.

significance

things are potentially getting crazy in life. i fly to indianapolis on tuesday to try out for a band. i fly to nashville on thursday, if things go well in indy i might just be looking at houses, and then come back and throw some stuff in my car and head out there. nuts. nuts. nuts. keep me in your thoughts and prayers boys and girls. the next week of my life could be life changing.

photoshop

i recently acquired photoshop and i'm working on figuring out how to use it to edit my photo's. this is probably my favorite one i have post processed. thoughts?

Photographic Dictionary [G]

[G] is for Gravity

grav⋅i⋅ty  [grav-i-tee] – noun

1.the force of attraction by which terrestrial bodies tend to fall toward the center of the earth.
2.heaviness or weight.
3.serious or critical nature: He seemed to ignore the gravity of his illness.
4.serious or dignified behavior; dignity; solemnity: to preserve one's gravity.
5.lowness in pitch, as of sounds.

Photographic Dictionary [F]

[F] is for Foundation

foun⋅da⋅tion  [foun-dey-shuhn] – noun
1. the basis or groundwork of anything.
2. the natural or prepared ground or base on which some structure rests.
3. the lowest division of a building, wall, or the like, usually of masonry and partly or wholly below the surface of the ground.
4. the act of founding, setting up, establishing, etc.
5. the state of being founded.

finally

just booked my plane ticket to go to nashville for labor day weekend. SO stoked to finally spend some time in this city and decide once and for all whether it will be my permanent residence. so so excited.

how short we are.

i've been thinking a lot about life and death lately. a couple of weeks ago one of my roommates came home pretty torn up. he volunteers with high school students in the same ministry i used to work in. he was hanging out with a couple of freshman guys one night (i believe they were both 14), and they happened upon the scene of a motorcycle accident that had occurred just moments beforehand. they were literally the first on the scene, along with one other car, and the other motorcyclist the guy had been riding with. though he wasn't sure what happened, apparently the guy riding just wandered out of his lane and clipped the curb of the median, being thrown immediately from his bike. he wasn't wearing any protective gear. my roommate of course got out of his car to try and help and see what was going on. he said he and the guy from the other car had to help flip this guy over because he was literally choking to death on his own blood from the internal injuries he had sustained in the crash. of course they had to be very careful because who knows what kind of spinal injuries he may have sustained as well. so here is my roommate, and two 14 year old about to be freshman in high school, just watching this poor man drown in a pool of his own blood waiting for an ambulance to arrive. as soon as the ambulance arrived they took off because my roommate felt it was prudent to keep the kids from having to see anymore than what they already had. and they were pretty shaken up by it. who wouldn't be?

so after getting home and telling us this story, it's just been pressing on my heart as of late. the guy died after being airlifted to a hospital. it's just crazy to me how little control we have over our circumstances. i mean, yes it could be argued that this guy was taking way too many extra risks in just riding a motorcycle, and especially riding with no protective equipment. but that's not what i'm talking about. i can guarantee that an accident like that is not how he was planning on going out. no one plans for that sort of thing. but it happens. all the time. i think especially living in america, we tend to put this protective bubble around ourselves, believing ourselves impervious to these sorts of tragedies. when we're not. safety is such an illusion. and it's an illusion that i would be willing to say most people spend their entire lives chasing after. what a waste! to spend all of your time chasing the idea of something that doesn't actually exist. having spent a lot of time traveling to third world countries and hanging out with people who have no idea what the illusion of safety even is, i have to say it's such a refreshing concept. no one i've met in afghanistan or the dominican republic or mexico spends their time thinking about how to make their lives safer and more convenient. they just worry about living. about spending time with the people they care about and making the most of what they have. what would things be like here if people started to rearrange their priorities so that they weren't at the top of their own list? what could we change? what could we do about the sad state the rest of the world is in?

we have an entire country freaking out about an economic recession right now. even though if you've taken even the most basic course in macroeconomics (which is a prerequisite for graduation at most high schools in the country now), you would know that recessions are an inevitable part of the economic cycle. it's part of how a free market economy works. it goes up and down and up and down. but like i said, everyone here has prioritized their lives so that they are the most important part, and god forbid you take a paycut and make $50,000 this year instead of $75,000. something like 70% of the world makes and lives on less than $1 american per day. and yet they're still alive. still breathing. no thanks to us of course.

i'm doing a lot of rambling, and i apologize. i guess what i'm trying to say is this: life is way too short to spend all of your time thinking about yourself. there is way too much hurt and pain in the world, and selfishness and greed aren't doing anything. i'm reminded of jesus' command to "store up treasures for yourself in heaven, not on earth where moth and rust destroy." because in the end, no matter how much money you save and no matter how secure you make your house, when you die, you die. and none of that gets to go with you. why not spend your time and money making a difference for the people that you share the world with, instead of piling up a bunch of stuff that's just going to decay and mean nothing to you after you're gone.

like i said, i've been thinking a lot lately. sometimes i wish i wasn't the only one thinking.

Photographic Dictionary [E]

[E] is for Element.

el⋅e⋅ment  [el-uh-muhnt] – noun
1. a component or constituent of a whole or one of the parts into which a whole may be resolved by analysis: Bricks and mortar are elements of every masonry wall.
2. a natural habitat, sphere of activity, environment, etc.: to be in one's element; Water is the element of fish.
3. any group of people singled out within a larger group by identifiable behavior patterns, common interests, ethnic similarities, etc.: He worried that the protest rally would attract the radical element.
4. one of the substances, usually earth, water, air, and fire, formerly regarded as constituting the material universe.

Photographic Dictionary [D]

[D] is for Dissipate.

dis⋅si⋅pate  [dis-uh-peyt] verb

1. to become scattered or dispersed; be dispelled; disintegrate: The sun shone and the mist dissipated.
2. to indulge in extravagant, intemperate, or dissolute pleasure.

RIP ACB

as cities burn broke up today. there goes any chance music had for redemption. RIP music. and RIP ACB.

Photographic Dictionary [C]

[C] is for Contact.

con⋅tact  [kon-takt]
–noun
1. the act or state of touching; a touching or meeting, as of two things or people.
2. immediate proximity or association.
3. an acquaintance, colleague, or relative through whom a person can gain access to information, favors, influential people, and the like.
4. Electricity. a junction of electric conductors, usually metal, that controls current flow, often completing or interrupting a circuit.
5. Geology. the interface, generally a planar surface, between strata that differ in lithology or age.
6. Medicine/Medical. a person who has lately been exposed to an infected person.
7. Sociology. a condition in which two or more individuals or groups are placed in communication with each other.

ramblin man

I've always said insomnia is a terrible thing to waste, and I'm sticking to that. It's Sunday night and I've been tossing and turning for the last hour and a half. Fabulous. Tomorrow will be a great day at work I'm sure. I've just got a lot on my mind right now. This weekend I got to host some awesome awesome dudes in a band called Amarna Reign at my house. They're friends of a friend from Indiana and needed a place to crash for a couple days on their tour with The Showdown. It was great to hang out with them, but gosh it made me miss being in a band SO much. Being broke as shit, eating shit for food, and sleeping in a shitty van. Every day. And it's all I want to do. It's actually mind boggling. And right now there is actually possibility of being back in a band in the future. Which is crazy to think about. There are actually two good possibilities on the horizon. The problem is that I'm going to have to pick which one I want to pursue, and the one I want to pursue more also has a good chance of ending with both possibilities not working out, because of some timing issues. Timing has never really been my thing anyway. Sigh. It's just a lot on my plate right now. And I keep praying and praying and I'm not really getting much in the way of direction. And that's what is eating my mind up tonight. Either way, it looks like Indiana could be a lot closer than Nashville. But then again the girl of my dreams is in Nashville, even though she doesn't know it. Sigh. I'm rambling. I need an ambien, or a night cap, of the Jack Daniel's variety. Since the pharmacy is most likely closed and I don't have a prescription, I'm probably going to go with the latter. Good night. (hopefully).

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Photographic Dictionary [B]

I was a little behind in posting [A], so we're already on to [B]. here you go.



[B] is for Burger

burg⋅er  [bur-ger]
–noun
a hamburger.

currently being jammed:

hopefully regina is helping balance out the mega chad-dom.

Photographic Dictionary [A]

my friend turned me on to this concept. you take pictures you've taken, and assign them to a word that corresponds to a certain letter of the alphabet. this week i'm doing the letter [A]. for more info check out the photographic dictionary



[A] is for Assist.

as⋅sist  [uh-sist]
–verb (used with object)
1.to give support or aid to; help: Please assist him in moving the furniture.
2.to be associated with as an assistant or helper.

please

just don't talk to me. not tonight. not ever.

my only goal in life is to never see you again.

faximile.

as your face goes white

you find out all of the lines

that you drew so long ago

will never take you home

and your vision blurs with doubt.

this death knows you long to go home

but all of your lies drag you down.

you cry out your plea, but your skin is anchored deep

and you'll drink in the immeasurable sound.

ascimilate

so lately i have been completely redeveloping two HUGE passions of mine. one is photography. a couple months ago i FINALLY made myself commit to go out and buy a dslr, and i have been loving it. it's so amazing to get out and start shooting again. it's a feeling i missed so much. there's something so completely freeing about being behind the lens. i somehow just forgot it over the last couple years. there's just something so incredible about capturing a moment in history, a completely unique and original point in time, in a way that only you can see it. it blows my mind. it's been fantastic. so getting out and being able to shoot again inspired me to cough up some more money and buy a darkroom setup. it's not quite complete yet, but within a couple weeks i should be back to the point of being able to develop my own film and prints. which is great. i do like certain aspects of digital photography, but it will just never take the place of a darkroom for me. tweaking your prints in a computer program, and tweaking your prints with a set of tools and a light and a lot of paper are just so completely different. darkrooms are so much more real to me. when i edit prints on a computer i just don't feel like i'm actually doing anything. it's just not as gratifying. for me anyway. but all that is to say, i am loving taking pictures again. i have been starting to figure out that i think i would love to be a photographer later on in my life. i definitely still want to play music for a few years. because i love it. but after all that is said and done i would love to go work for a non profit and just do photography and traveling for them. to me, photojournalism is the ultimate form of photography. especially warzone and third world. there's just something about that form of photography that changes people's minds, lives, and hearts. at that point it's not just taking a picture, it's a documentation of the human struggle that no pen could ever capture. i want to do that.

which leads me to the second passion of mine that's been reignited. in figuring out that i would love to do photography for a non profit organization, i have gotten back into remembering that the biggest thing in the third world that i've seen that i have a heart for is the lack of clean drinking water. every day over 30,000 people around the world die from lack of access to clean drinking water. they die. it costs $1 to provide clean drinking water for a person for an entire year, and yet people are still dying from this. one of the leading organizations that builds and restores wells around the world has come out with a figure that has said that the sum total of $10 billion would build and restore enough wells to fix the entire world's clean drinking water problem. FOREVER. that blows my mind. our country is in the process of spending almost $800 billion dollars to fix a stupid economy that will fix itself in the long run anyway (it always has), and just $10 billion would provide clean drinking water and sanitation for the entire planet forever?!? it blows my mind. it completely tears my heart apart to think that people are dying from this. i guess it just shows the true colors of the human condition. here we are, living in a country where the poverty line is more money than most people in the third world will ever even see in the entire sum of their lives, and we're spending one of the most ungodly amount of money i've ever heard of to fix our economy so we can all make more money. it sickens me.

that being said, my dad and i have been talking about this problem for the last couple of months, and we have decided that we are going to raise enough money to build a well in a third world country. we haven't decided yet which organization we are going to give the money to go do this (there are several good ones, we are in the process of selecting an organization that works in the area we want to work in), but we have decided it's something we want to do. so, if you would like to contribute any money to this project (all money donated will be tax deductible), please get a hold of me via email at marcus.baney@yahoo.com.

i think that's it for now. those have been the two big focus area's of my life lately. that's pretty much what's going on with marcus.

vii

i stumbled across the photojournalism collaboration of fantastic artists at vii photo agency today. if you're into that sort of thing please check them out.

http://www.viiphoto.com

wind.

some days i feel like i'm becoming a ghost.

my transient soul floats aimlessly day to day.

and no one see's dead people.

or if they do they don't care.

some days i find everything i need.

some days i find nothing i need.

and some days i find that the people i thought i needed

aren't the people i need at all.

simply because they don't need me.

some days we belittle ourselves to the point

of no existence.

some days are today.

legit.

Life is feeling pretty legit these days. At least for now. Certain people are unquestionably out of my life. People that needed to be out of my life. That's a phenomenal feeling. I've been back in the word lately, which is awesome. I don't know how I let myself get on such bad lapses where I'm not in it for so long. But I finally made myself go pick up a chronological bible and I've been tearing through that. It's such a refreshing way to read. Reading about david's struggles and then being able to read the psalms he wrote during those times of trouble directly after, it just puts things in good perspective. I like it a lot. I've also just been having a lot of fun lately. Weddings, dancing, golf, making mario party into a drinking game, developing crushes (weird), volcano taco's (substitute beans for beef). Haha. Everyone always tells me my blogs are so negative and they make me seem like I'm super bummed out all the time (which I'm not), so here's a nice posi one for y'all. I dig life currently. So suck on that.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

you are not the sun

life is funny sometimes. i had a good conversation last night with one of my best friends, that prompted me to make a decision to do something that i've needed to do for a long time. it prompted me to try and have a conversation with a person who i have desperately needed to have a conversation with for a long time now, and could never man up and commit myself to doing it. i would always think i could and then i'd just chicken out at the last minute. so after a good conversation with my friend (and a bit of liquid courage), i contacted this person who has contacted me about talking so many times, and said i was finally ready to have this conversation. and the feeling wasn't reciprocated. which hurt a little bit, i'll admit. but today i feel amazing. for the first time in the last year and a half, none of this is on me. i don't feel responsible for it anymore.

today i woke up to a new sun. a sun that isn't her.

i think i'm ready to just let that be what it is. finally.

oh life

Sometimes I wish I could figure out what you were about. I like to think that things would be more fun if I knew what was going on, but I don't think they actually would. Oh well. I wish I could figure out my heart more than anything these days. That thing is on a roller coaster for sure. Which isn't stressful at all, don't even worry about it.

Sigh. Breathe.
In and out. In and out.

This too shall pass. I think that's becoming my new theme for life. I don't know how I feel about that.

Emily, I'm glad you and I are real friends again and we can suck at life together. You're the best.

Over and out.

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pearl.

Colors changing, reminds me of forever
Like a whisper to which I'm clinging.

When autumn snowfalls in new apartments
Paint over everything we had.

When all our days seem to slowly
Melt into nothing
But we passed them warm and together.

But tonight we all fall right down to nothing.
And you think to yourself, "you're not here."

Don't let it fade.
Don't let it fade.
Don't let your silence bring regrets.
Don't let it fade.
Don't let it fade.
Don't let your tears bring jubilation.

But tonight we all fall right down to nothing.
And you think to yourself, "you're not here."

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the lion.

When you see her face
It reminds you of someone to be.
As you walk away
It reminds you to stop and breathe in.

This is your night, and I will be there
I'll carry your sorrows home.
Oh bird without flight, you'll find the sea yeah
And there you won't be alone.
Finding a stone that's worth it's weight.
In time you won't hesitate.

When you see her face
It reminds you of someone to be.
As you walk away
It reminds you to stop and breathe in.

I am your face, I'm the lion
Who haunts all your memories.
Despite your disgrace, I will help you find it
The place you will never see
If you do this all on your own.
Washed to the shore by the undertow.

When you see her face
It reminds you of someone to be.
As you walk away
It reminds you to stop and breathe in.

Watching the hearts on the surface drown
You can't deny your head is spinning around
Don't fall now your homeward bound
You could be free.

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face.

sometimes i wish i was more like the wind.

that i could just readjust and renew whenever and wherever i went.

i wish i wasn't so tied down by my past.

i wish i could let certain people go.

sigh.

but i can't.

at least not yet.

the wind is outside, i can hear it.

moving itself wherever it pleases, without a care for anything or anyone else.

it isn't held down.

it isn't held back.

it just is.

i wish i could describe my life with the sentence: marcus is.

but again, i can't.

it's always going to be: marcus is not.

ok.

fulfilled.

valued.

appreciated.

cared for.

i can't stand these nights.

i wish they would pass with the wind.

but all that damned wind ever does is remind me of the pain that is still left behind.

that she left.

damnit all.

bring it out.

i'm all jimble jambled tonight. i don't know what's going on with me. my heart is in a million different places right now, and i don't really know where any of them are to be exact. anxiety is getting the better of me. since when does that happen? anxiety isn't my thing. not even close. i'm not even anxious. maybe.... apprehensive? i don't know. i wish i knew what was going on with my life. i wish i knew anything. i hate this feeling. no wonder anxiety often devolves into manic depression. i couldn't get used to this. and i really hope i don't have to.

just let it ride.

a great band once said:

"time won't save our souls.

time won't save my soul."

i need to let that sink in.

and breathe. just breathe.

outsider art.

I think I had a pretty profound conversation with god tonight. I was praying, when all of a sudden the phrase "god, paint me" left my lips. Lately I've been trying to think of the bible and this story of Christ and life not as some checklist of do's and don'ts, but rather as the most beautiful and grandiose work in progress painting ever to be undertaken. And when you begin to see Jesus like that, he's quite good at taking your breath away. So seeing god as the artist for this story, this masterpiece, I asked him to paint my life for me. And he quietly responded, "I am the artist, and I am painting you into my story as we speak." there were a few other things said that I don't quite recall, but I was moved to tears. Shortly after that I took communion, and after dipping the bread in the juice, I looked at it and realized that it was the most beautiful paint brush I had ever seen. That was very reassuring. As I think about god painting the story of my life, I like to think of myself as outsider art. Probably not beautiful or understood in the eyes of most, but in the eyes of my creator I am absolutely priceless. I treasure that idea. My heart swoons at it. And I can't help but be moved to tears by something so bold and beautiful. I love you.

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index

Misery rides high tonight.
And everything else skins just below the radar.
This is, in essence, the finer absolution of everything we have come to call home.
And yet I feel no remorse.
I will shed no tears on this solitary evening.
For respite was just never quite ours to begin with.
This rest for which we so aimlessly pine.
We were never destined for it, were we?
Fitting I suppose.
I should have expected as much.
Why would I be able to enjoy my days?
That would give me far too much value in the human sort of sense.
And we can't have that, now, can we?

This is eating away at my eye sockets.
I am slowly disintegrating from the man that I am to the man I simply was.
And now I am a shell.
A hollow being.
Not quite meant for this life.
Or any other for that matter.

I am a machine.
I exist in name only.
I am not really here.
At times I wonder if I ever was.

Slowly, ever so slowly, but with carefully exponentiating grace.

I dissolve.

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facedown

escape is the new serenity.

we're all just suffering from the fallout anyway.

this is all nothing but a game of probability.

and we all have no stake in it.

resplendance was just never quite ours for the taking.

or was it?

we've seen so much thrown down into this watery grave.

and yet we sit here.

skimming the surface.

growing stagnant and becoming one with the stench.

it's permeation grows more and more complete with every day.

and still we will sit. and wait.

and sit and wait and sit and wait.

for some sign of rescue in this garbage chute.

and the days just wander aimlessly by.

how will we pass them?

will we let this ride out the rest of our miserable days?

there is hope.

cling to it.

like you depend solely on it, and nothing else.

because you do, dear friend.

you do.

on the subject of self worth

sometimes i just can't understand myself. for so long i feel like i've been done with insecurity. but every once in a while it just pops it's ugly little head up. at times that don't even make any sense. at times when my secureness shouldn't even be in question. for any reason. just normal nights. and yet i somehow can't help feeling like i'm not enough. that something is missing. that something is wrong with me. or maybe it's like i'm feeling like i'm missing out. i don't even know. i've been so defensive lately. i'm trying to plan for the future, and hoping that certain things will work out in my favor, and i'm finding myself freaking out about it. since when do i freak out about anything? there are so many possibilities on the horizon, one of which in particular i hope so much will work out. and the thing is, it's only a possibility in my head. there is no physical evidence to back it up, whatsoever. but i guess that's just the way it goes sometimes. i can't put down what it is here, because i would probably just make myself look like an idiot for even holding on to the slightest hope that it would work out. not probably, i would. and yet i'm banking so much on this particular thing working out. and getting myself super bummed out on the idea that it might not work out, even though, as i said, there is nothing whatsoever to even confirm that it's actually a real possibility. oh well. i suppose that's the way it goes sometimes. there are days when the way your heart screams out it's plans and desires just drowns out all sense of logic and reproach.

i miss being on tour. i need this. or at least i think i do. i don't actually need anything other than water, a little food, and something over my head when i sleep.

but i suppose these feelings too, shall come to pass. i'm kind of banking on that with a lot of feelings in my life right now.

finding peace is never a road traveled lightly. treading thin ice is becoming the norm.

stop. breathe.

you are but a child. remember that. always.

sigh

There are days when you wonder, "does anyone actually give a shit?"

I think the only thing even close to resembling a life that I have right now is online. And if I stopped blogging/tweeting/status updating/bulletin posting, would anyone care? Would I?

FML.

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seriously?

sometimes i really REALLY cannot stand some of the people that claim to be a part of christ's church and to "know him." for the love of god just let go of this incessant need you feel to be a part of god's moral hygiene committee. you don't know shit. god does not have or need a moral hygiene committee. you are an idiot. maybe when you stop seeing "sinners" as a project or a potential recruit, you'll be able to see them for what they are. people. that's all god saw. jesus didn't see a "project" when he looked at humanity. he saw people. that he loved. so maybe when you let go of your pretentious bullshit attitude about saving the world from immoral people and actions, you'll experience some of the same love that god actually has for us. the love you claim to know. which you don't. i just smoked half a pack of cigarettes because i'm so worked up. fuck.

jesus, i'm so glad you have so much more love than i do. i don't know why it's easier for me to love the people who don't claim to follow you than the people who do. well, actually i do know. i'm glad you're there to love all of them. because i have a lot of trouble with it. please teach me. and calm me down.

thought

The experts say we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what circumstances would cause that number to increase. Many have said your life flashes before your eyes in the face of death. It actually happened to me once, I almost got ran over by a car riding my bike. Do you think that your brain kicks into overdrive in the face of death? That 10% becomes 15? 25? 50%? I imagine that if you have any time to realize that death is certain, then the amount of time between that realization and the time that you actually die would somehow seem almost infinite. Allowing your brain to process things at a speed it never has before, thereby possibly increasing the percentage of your brain that is working. Just saying.

Drinking and reading Dostoevsky may or may not be a really really great thing. I have to give him the credit for the majority of these thoughts. I'll decide when I wake up in the morning and read this to see if it makes any sense.

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uninspired

apathy, my dear, sweet, revolting friend.

how nice of you to drop by.

you never really leave a mess when you're here.

in fact you never really do much of anything.

which is just so god-damned appealing.

and i hate you for that.

how dare you come and destroy my creativity.

my presence.

my peace.

my individuality.

but that is what you do best, isn't it?

and how i loathe you for it.

bastard.

daughter

it's a shame what i thought of her

when i saw her that way.

it didn't change what you thought of her,

she's been your daughter since she was made.

since i was made i've been leaving.

i'd say i'd change, but i wouldn't believe it.

it's cause my legs, they don't forget.

when they find a way out, they always take it.

we don't know how we got here,

the way is overgrown.

we don't know how we became this.

she has a name, but i don't have to know.

cause all i'm after is all she has to show.

we cannot save, we can't even slow

our loss of innocence.

every little child has to grow.

we don't know how we got here,

the way is overgrown.

we don't know how we became this.

go buy this album. if you don't i will kick you squarely in the nuts and/or vag. straight up.

swallow

When you see her face, it reminds you of someone to be.

When you walk away, it reminds you to stop and breathe in.

Just breathe in.

Breathe, precious soul.

This too shall come to pass.

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ride.

to face yourself down is a thing of high intrigue.

let every wave ride. crash your weary soul onto the shore.

if you've been feeling belittled,

if you see your failures at every turn,

if your demons line the beaches of your nightmares,

find Solace. find Comfort. find Existence.

stepping into the weight of everything that you are,

is no easy task my dear child.

finding a way into the past breeds alternate realities.

tread lightly, friend.

perhaps you should just rest for a while.

sleep.

come and sleep.

fitting

There are days when mediocrity burns it's way through your veins. And it'll be damned if something is going to stop it. Some days my life hinges on it's aroma. So indistinct.

Flame on you arrogant bastard. Some day I will be rid of you.

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catastrophic

some days it just hits you. hard.

i don't know what it is, but there are days when everything just goes straight to hell in a flaming bucket of bolts and scrap metal. do you know what i mean?

hearts are such an odd, completely intangible and yet completely monumental thing. which is scary to think about. how you can go from being a sane, calm, rational person one minute, to a flaming douche in a second because something sets you off. something digs into the scars in your heart and squeezes out all the blood you've been working on just getting back into your veins for so long. and it ruins you. it just ruins you.

i had a couple days like that this week. and they were not proud moments.

sigh.

jesus, please show me what this pain is that's been lurking beneath the surface. please bring it out and let's deal with it. i thought i was done with all of this. i finally felt good about it. and then one thing sparks it off and the whole thing crashes and burns. i guess i'm not done with it (though by my timing standards, i feel like i should be by now).

however long it takes, i'm in this. i'm in for the long haul. at least i'd like to imagine i am. though sometimes i feel that if i really believed that i wouldn't have catastrophic meltdowns every time she digs her poisonous fingernails into my veins. and there i go again.

jesus please help. i need it. big time.

ugghhh

"You have heard the law that says 'love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your father in heaven."

You know Jesus, sometimes the things you say piss me off. And I don't want to do them. Efffffffffffffffffffff.

You never told me it would be so hard.

Oh wait. Yeah you did.

Double ef.

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i love

those people that always know how to ruin your day.

fuck.

I'm being abducted.

On April 25th and 26th in an effort to bring home the child soldiers of the LRA in Northern Uganda. The abduction in Denver starts at 3pm at Coors Field. If you don't come to this, then consider us through. Visit therescue.invisiblechildren.com for more details, or more cities if you live elsewhere. Get off your ass and do something important. Make a difference in your world.

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Material Existentialism

I've had it said to me that there is freedom in owning things. Being able to buy nice things. It's part of growing up. Part of being an adult. The freedom to make lavish purchases at ones will. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I think it's starting to feel a lot less true. I think I've been living my life along those lines for the last few years now. I've made several large and lavish purchases. Of really nice things. A 50" plasma television. A set of very nice couches. And other odds and ends. I feel like they're starting to weigh me down. They're just never enough. I buy an HDTV, and suddenly regular definition isn't enough, I need a high def cable box, which is more expensive to buy and monthly. Watching my regular definition movies isn't enough, now I need an upconverter to watch them in high def. The speakers on the tv aren't enough so I need a surround sound set up to accent everything. And now what I have isn't enough because there's
blu-ray, so now I want one of those things. It's also not enough to have nice couches. You suddenly need new tables, coffee tables and end tables to match them. And lamps to match them. And that's not enough to decorate so you need items to put on the tables to take up space and make everything else look better.

And having a good enough job to be able to afford all these things is the pinnacle of life. Or so I've been told. I was hanging out with my parents one day when they decided my dad needed a file cabinet. I expected this ordeal to last no longer than an hour. We would go to an office supply store and be on our way shortly thereafter. Instead, we went to a furniture store. Because apparently this file cabinet was going in the large open kitchen/living room. And apparently nothing but an expensive cherry wood file cabinet that matched the expensive cherry wood that the entire area was finished with would look good with the rooms motif. After weeks of searching, a cherry wood file cabinet was found. But upon bringing it to their house they realized that the color was ever so slightly off from the rest of the wood. So of course they needed to hire someone to come and figure out the exact tone of the existing wood so that he could then strip and refinish the file cabinet to match the existing wood. Maybe some day they'll be able to organize their files. I hope. And when I mentioned to them that I couldn't understand this relentless and multi hundreds of dollars pursuit of a file cabinet, they just told me it was part of the joys of being older and financially stable. My mom talked about it like their entire lives were hinging on this file cabinet. Like somehow their lives would finally be complete once their files were in order in a manner that matched the cabinets in the kitchen. It's almost as if she thinks her identity is dependant on it. Like if someone comes over and see's this sweeping grandiose kitchen with hardwood floors and beautiful cherry cabinets, and then finds out that my dads files are kept in a plain metal filing cabinet, this person will think less of my parents as people. And that if for some reason someone thinks less of them, they will actually somehow become less human. Less important.

I hope my life never gets to that point.

I'm starting to realize that the only thing that happens when you buy things, is that very soon afterwords, your things start to not be good enough. And you need to buy more and more things to accentuate the things you already have in order for those things to keep your interest. And soon newer and better things come out, and no matter how many accentuating things you buy, it won't compare to the newer and better things you could have. So you scrap the things you have. And buy new things. And then newer things to accentuate your new things with. And on and on and on. That doesn't even sound like freedom to me, let alone feel like it.
And maybe a lot of that is just my personality. I easily get sucked into the idea that I need more things for my things. But I also know there are people out there who have the ability to function normally and purchase things normally without this concept taking over their senses. I envy them.

I feel like I'm in chains. And I'm tired of it.

Long story short; does anyone want to buy a nice tv or some nice couches? I don't want them anymore. I want my life to simplify. I think that just existing anymore is complex enough as it is. I don't need all sorts of things making my already complex existence even more complex. If you don't have this problem then please buy this stuff so it can stop bothering me. Thanks.

Tingle

Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.

Exhale all the terror that fills your lungs.
That cripples your senses.

If this were not your night, breath would simply cease.

So breathe, sweet child.

Let the beauty fill you.
Take you over.

There is hope, yet, little one.

Live it.

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Fear and Self Loathing

When did I become the enemy?
When did the curtain I work so tirelessly to tear begin to crush me?
When did the realization of all that I am begin to dull into a pounding ache?

When did I lose control?
When did I ever have control?
When did I become more obsessed with chasing illusions than reality?
When did fantasy's devolve into nightmares?

Oh how we pine.
Strive.
Hope.
Die.

Is this what we were meant for?
Where do you fit into this?
Will I die alone here?

I fear I will.

I am afraid.

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fall

we are the struggle.
we are the journey.

we are past due.
we are forever.

we are nothing.
i am nothing.

this is now.

night drive

tonight i was driving home and listening to a song i hadn't heard in some time. it came to a part that was speaking of our relationship to god as people, and the lyrics simply state:

"this is romance."

i burst completely and unapologetically into tears. for several minutes.

i need to have more moments like that. they're good for my soul.

noticed

"hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a dream fulfilled is a wellspring of life."
-proverbs 13:12-

i've been thinking about this a lot lately. hope is such a funny thing. an odd entity. sometimes i feel like the first half of this verse is the story of my life, and i'm still waiting to find out if the other half is actually true. i can only imagine it is. i can only hope that it is. but sometimes i have tendancies to hyperbolize my circumstances. at least in my own head. in actuality i've seen many dreams fulfilled in my life. sometimes i've had dreams suddenly fulfilled that i never even knew i had. i guess i think that not seeing your dreams come true is not nearly as much of a tragedy as thinking that none of your dreams have come true, and limiting yourself and your dreams always to the intangible. so many people live their lives with huge dreams and aspirations, which is a wonderful thing, but so often they tend to see everything in between as a blur. as something that exists outside the realm of their dreams. what a waste. i absolutely cannot think of a worse way to spend your days. always living in the shadow of something you hope for, but letting everything else pass you by. dream big, by all means. but also dream small. dream simply. i read somewhere that in an effort to show that we're so wrapped up in our little lives, we miss out on everything around us. a study was done in which a violin player of the world symphony orchestra (or whatever it's called), arguably the best violin player in the entire world, was sent into a new york city subway in jeans and a t-shirt to play violin, just to see if anyone would notice. he played beautifully for 8 hours, and maybe a hand full of people stopped to notice. i don't want to waste my life like that anymore. there's so much beauty to be found. tonight i sat at a pizza place and held a conversation with a girl sitting at an adjacent table. her name was charity. we didn't have much to talk about, but i could tell she was lonely and just needed someone to pay attention to her. she'd probably been trying to talk to people all night as she was sitting there, and was probably just ignored. so even though i didn't have much to say, and honestly didn't really want to talk to her, i tried to include her in my conversation as much as i could, simply for the pure fact that it could have made her entire night for someone to notice her and just talk to her. i sit here and talk all high and mighty like i live like this all the time. i don't. i really don't. but i also really wish that i did. there's something beautiful about a life lived in endless possibilities. the possibility of huge dreams being fulfilled all the way down to the dream of just being able to care for someone that needs to be cared for.

i'm rambling. i think what i'm trying to say is this: don't get so caught up in your dreams and passions that you let your life pass you by. you'll find yourself sorely disappointed. i think john lennon said it best:

"life is what happens while we're busy making plans."

seven

this is substantial.
this is madness.
this is disaster.
this is everything.
this is nothing.
i am everything.
i am nothing.

this is it.
we are alive.
this is hope.

sing

she walks all among angels
she moves with a song all among angels

elemental

i think it's funny how sometimes the smallest things can change your day. i had dinner with an amazing friend last night (love you gretchen!) and got to have breakfast with another amazing friend this morning. the smallest interactions can always have the biggest impact on me. this morning i just got to love on a friend who was in a really hard place and really needed that. we just got to sit and talk and catch up for a couple of hours. she's struggling with her beliefs about life and god right now, and one of the things i mentioned to her was that the only times i am ever completely convinced of god's existence beyond a shadow of a doubt, is when i get the chance to love on people. i think that's what god designed us for. and i think when we love people, we fulfill everything that we're meant to be. it's in those moments that you just see god so clearly. so i mentioned that to her, and now i'm sitting here at home realizing that i'm having one of those moments of clarity. i got to spend some good quality time forgetting myself and just loving a fellow human being. there's something so important in that. something so vital to our existence. i think god perfectly orchestrated it that way. whenever we forget ourselves and make the people around us the focus of our attention, something unbelievable happens. something within ourselves transforms and shifts. whenever i love on people, i am able to love god so much more clearly and attentatively. maybe because i understand him just a little bit more. all god does and is, is love. and i think when we love we get a clearer glimpse of who he is and why he does what he does. sometimes it just blows me away. so simple. so mystical. so profound. so.... right. it's something that reassures you that there is both good and right in the world, and that both of those things are completely of god and come only from him.

daddy, i need to listen to you more often, teach me how to love all the time. i'm in for this journey. for life. please just do this with me, so that we may be the journey together. i love you. i'm learning to love as you do.

on the subject of failure

stop.

seconds beat out such an infinitesmal cacophany through space and time.

incandescence softly blurs the shadows that draw the lines between this life and the nether.

why this place?!

hope eradicates itself in the sheer sterility.

life elegantly slips it's way through the softest fingertips
while the tears of the common passerby wash the landscape
into a bleak finality of existentialist nightmares.

and it was there i lay. dying.
stagnant.
such a repulsive creature in a worthless state.

and it was there, waiting to die in such soft light,
that i found myself faced with mine own thoughts in a parody of the abyss.

and then they come.
those wretches.
thieves.
liars.
murderers.

the blood we share curdles in my veins.

-blood the first-

"what wasted life!!
what abstract epiphany turned etherial damnation!

o flesh of my flesh!
o cursed wretch of mine womb!
what have i borne?!

in all my years of labor, in all my days of absolution,
never have i borne witness to an abomination of equals!

daily, i pray to whatever gods may be for
your putrid remains to be scourged from our presence.

the rancid abcess that fills the cavity in your skull
should have been drained and laid to rest long ago my wretched child.

whatever remains is not human.
nor is it any longer my offspring.
validity absolves itself in your presence.

cease from your useless leaching of life
and embrace the repose you so deserve!
dust to dust!"

despair. sweet. ever sweet despair.
when mine own bearer forsakes the fruit of her womb,
all is lost.

continue.

-blood the second-

"come now my son, enter the gates which house
the desparaged state you left so long ago.

enjoy the courtyard scenery, bitter son.
set your gaze upon the lovely gallows
your absentia has built.

look at them!

see the final ballads of your loved ones,
danglng to the most elegant of creaking sounds.

this is yours.
and yours alone.
let the stagnant rot of our shattered lives
seep it's way into every one of your pores.

let it nauseate everything that you are.
let it permeate your soul until you join us
in the vice of the tomb.
and under the willow that weeps her soul
to one that would only listen,
there will you be put to final rest.

so that we may bury all that may remain of us.

leave this place.
it is no longer yours.
the time has come for your debt to be paid.

may god have mercy on your forsaken soul, son.

we do not."

father! my father. why hast thou forsaken me?!
life seeps from my bones.
how much more shall i be made to bear?

life prose.

-blood the third-

"i will bear final witness.
your transgressions compound.
heaping burdens and debts that long for blood.

and these hands are ready to claim
all accounts receivable...
did you truly believe your treacheries would go unpunished?

do you consider yourself immune?!
you are the plague.
my plague.
our plague.

rotting souls decrepidly nestle in your eye sockets,
finding home as beggers at the gates of the blackness
that purports to call itself your soul.
you have destroyed me.

all that we built.
all that was to be burning.
it falls.
rising in ashes.
fueled by mine despair of that which
never even had the chance to be.

taken!
by the king of liars.
thieves.
murderers.
rapists.
you desparage the very existence of my being.

tears converge upon a river of exsanguination.
i have been bled dry!!
tonight the stars call for retribution in full...

darling, you are going to pay for what you have done to me.

dearly."

we lose all sense of self.
tonight we digress.
tonight the stars bleed their sorrows.
and i shall taste them evermore.

i wonder

what exactly it is that draws us to other people? whether they be of the same sex, the opposite sex, whatever. what is it that draws us so insatiably to community, and what is it within us that dies whenever we are lacking that community? i think i know what it is. i just don't think i understand it.

"you never told me it would be so hard."

Ugghhhh

Things currently pissing me off:

1. The electric on sable blvd between alameda and ellsworth.
2. The fact that it's 75 degrees in march. Summer, you can suck it. I don't need record high heat days in my life.

Things currently not pissing me off:

1. MuteMath
2. San Francisco in two weeks.
3. Nashville in April (yessssss!!!! one step closer!! pumped on my new home.)
4. Revolution tonight
5. Seeing amazing old friends this week.

That's probably it for now. Once I leave aurora the good will go back to outweighing the bad. But as for now i'm about this close to galloping into a wooded glen to punch dance out my rage. End transmission.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Purpose

I want so badly to love.
I want so badly to know how to love.
I want so badly to be able to love.
I want so badly to have the desire to love.
Teach me.
Show me who you are.
Show me what it means to follow you.
To walk in your ways.
To love like you do.
Show me who you are.
I love you.
I just want to love LIKE you.
Show me.
Teach me.
I'm willing.
I think.
I hope.
I pray.

Live.
Love.
Let.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

A Prayer

Dearest,

Please break me from this shell I writhe in
Deemed fit a lonely hell to die in
And place not my body into the cold, hard ground
Until such adequate environments could be found
To reverse this decay I so endlessly suffer
From binding my soul not to another
But rather living, dreaming, in suspended animation
And breathing heavy in fastidious fascination
Of that to which I've unwittingly turned my nose
Breeding a heart beat that slows and slows
Until I become something beyond recognition
That walks this road decrepid, to perdition
So turn me, stop this dead in it's tracks
And forgive me, as I learn how to ask
Of that for which my heart doth pine
And wither these cracks, vesitges of time
Find me a road, a life I can strive in
Heal these ravaged bones, that I may feel alive again

Yours Truly.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

sock drawer epiphanies

this evening i was doing something simple. routine. boring even. putting away laundry. nothing exciting. i've been being pretty organized and clean lately (which is something that's completely huge for me, it's really never happened before). so as i'm putting away my laundry, i'm separating it out, and i come to socks and underoo's, which all go in one drawer. i open up the drawer and start stuffing them all in. and then it hits me. here i am, thinking i'm being super organized because my clean laundry is going into drawers rather than being dumped on the floor, and yet i look in this drawer, and it's complete madness. and whenever my room is clean, that's always how it is. clothes just stuffed into drawers, receipts, important documents and all sorts of riff raff and crap just stuffed into more drawers, excess stuff piled up almost waist high in my closet. but so long as the drawers are all closed and the closet door shuts, everything looks magnificent.

as i realized that's how i organize things, i started to realize that that single fact says so much more about me than i ever realized. i started to think about my life. lately a lot of things in my life haven't been going well. a lot of things have been going well, especially on the outside view of things. but my heart, my soul, a lot of those things have just not been doing well. and i rarely, rarely open that up to people. i started to realize that my life is a lot like my room. as long as things look neat and tidy and organized, and i feel like things on the outside are neat and tidy and organized, then all of the storms of crap going on is easily ignorable. ignorable by everyone else because they don't even know it's there, and ignorable by me because no one else knows it's going on. i've always struggled with this. always.

everyone always wonders why i don't keep my room more organized when it's clean and organized. i think i'm starting to get it.

who has self portrait epiphanies while putting their laundry away? i'm so weird sometimes. haha.