we are the journey: February 2010

So this year I only made one new year's resolution (which is one more than I usually make, because I've personally never understood the philosophy of using the new year as a mechanism of change, if you want to change then just change, but that's beside the point). My resolution this year was to pray/meditate over the fruits of the spirit at least once a day. Now of course I've missed a few days, I mean who's ever perfect with their resolutions? But it's definitely something I'm still keeping up with, which I'm stoked to say. I think the whole idea behind it is that if I spend more time meditating on the fruits, then they'll begin to manifest themselves more and more in my everyday life. Right now I feel like giving myself a critique on how I think I'm doing with the fruits currently. This probably isn't going to be pretty and it probably won't paint me in a good light, so if your entire view of me is riding on how I'm doing with this, then prepare to be bummed out. What can I say, I believe in honesty. Let's do this. First fruit:

Love: The first of the fruits, a pretty important one I'd say. Jesus boiled all of his teachings and the entire bible down into two commandments, "Love God, Love People." Pretty simple. That gives me the idea that all of the other fruits of the spirit and really everything in life are based off of this one quality. Seeing as that's the case, I could probably just skip all the other fruits since I haven't got this one down yet, but I won't. When I pray over the fruits, I try and pray specific applications for each into my life. And of course, with love, my desire is to be a more loving person. More caring, more compassionate, more everything. I feel like I've been doing really poorly with love this year. I've been very frustrated by the position I'm in in life, and I think it's definitely been taking a toll on me. I'm frustrated by a lot of things, lack of direction, lack of anything good going for me, lack of friends. And I know that if I sit and really pull all those things apart, it's almost all in my own perception, but I've always been that kind of person, always had that kind of mindset, to think that nothing ever works out for me and just get bummed about it. I've struggled with depression on some level most of my adult life, and even though I feel like I'm past clinical depression symptoms, the temptation to gravitate towards that mindset is always present, and I must say I haven't been doing well with it lately. Which of course, my past and my struggles are no excuse, it's just the reasoning I use in my head. So because of all these perceptions I have of the poor quality of life I'm living, I've been finding it really hard to unconditionally love on people. I'd rather concentrate on myself and the things I think are wrong with my life and the people that are making it that way. Which is, of course, the complete and exact opposite of love. It's selfishness. So I haven't been doing great with this fruit. But I continue to pray over it and hope that in time my heart and attitude are changed to one more loving and Christ-like. I suppose that's all we can ever do.

Joy - I've always been a fan of the idea that joy is not an emotion, it's a lifestyle, a decision that we make. We can either decide to live a joyful life, or we can decide to live a miserable life. I think joy is quite separate from emotion. I think it's entirely possible to be joyful when you're happy, bawling your eyes out, or mad as all hell. And I think the key to that is in believing that the source of joy does not come from this life or this world, but from God. That being said, human beings are quite fickle creatures, and I am no exception. No matter how much we want our joy to always be based in something or someone that's unchanging, this is rarely the case. And when I say we, I really mean me. Joy is up and down, on and off these days for me. Some days I feel a fantastic sense of joy and fulfillment, and some days I'm so frustrated and lost and confused I couldn't fathom having a joyful attitude about anything. And it's funny (or more ironic I should say) how when peeled apart, the days when my joy feels complete and everything feels right, are the days I feel most connected to God, and the days I just feel awful are the days when He's the furthest thing from my mind. So again, much work needs to be done, but at the same time, I do have days where joy is abundant and I feel connected to God, which gives me hope, and I think hope is a huge part of joy.

Peace - Peace has always been one of my stronger suits as far as the fruits go. Despite how things are going in my life, despite my levels of joy or frustration or hopelessness or whatever, peace is usually never a problem for me. I suppose I'm a pretty easygoing person, and I'm sure that helps with the sense of peace I feel. The times when I doubt God so completely that I have no sense of peace about the fact that whether I see it or not, I'm taken care of, are pretty few and far between for me. Even though I have the distinct tendency to get really bummed about where I'm at or what's going on with my life, deep down, at the bottom of things, I still feel comfortable with the idea that God is in control of my life and is taking care of things. Most of my anxiety issues are with His timing, not his control, so for the most part, peace comes pretty naturally to me. I can always improve, I know, but this is one I feel like I'm doing pretty well with at the moment.

Patience - Ahh yes, I knew this one was coming. As I said about two sentences ago, my anxiety issues with God aren't with His supreme control, they're with his sense (or my perceived lack thereof) of timing. It's seemed that for so many things in my life, the timing has just never been right. Nothing has ever seemed to work out the way it should. And of course, the longer I'm made to wait for things I want, the more and more impatient I become. At the end of the day, impatience is the most nonsensical thing you can feel about the situations in your life. What big quandry's in life have ever been solved by the act of being impatient? None. Of course with certain situations you have control over things and if you get impatient enough you can change them, but I'm talking about the big things. Namely career's. I picked up my first guitar 10 years ago, and I haven't looked back since. Being a professional musician is all I've wanted to do since I can remember. And when I say professional, I mean that playing music would be my only source of financial support, not being professional level of playing. But the music industry is one of those things that no amount of impatience will get you into. The music industry is about 10% (that's a VERY generous number) how good you are, and 90% who you know. And that's the bottom line. You can't make yourself know the exact right people at the exact right time through impatience. It's a waiting game. It requires patience, and discipline, and the EXTREME desire to push through the inordinate amount of time you spend not doing what you want to do to get to where you want to be. And I never feel patient. I never feel like I'm ok with waiting around for things to work out. I've been doing it the last 10 years. It's getting old. But like I said, impatience isn't going to get me anywhere. It's something I need to pray for every single day, and that's probably not going to end any time soon. Gotta keep working.

Kindness - Another subject that I am on and off with. Some days I just don't have it in me. Some days it feels like it's all I can do to keep existing, let alone letting the air of kindness permeate me so that I'm just oozing it to everyone I come in contact with. And I take this to all levels. Jesus taught one thing over and over again, and that was that sin is not just about what happens on the surface, it's about what happens in the heart. And so even if I'm nice to someone at the gym that I don't want to be, if I'm seething or cutting them down in my mind seconds later, I've still fallen short of the mark that God has set for me. I'm not living up to the person He would have me be. This is something that I think is directly related to the idea of loving all people. If i was truly loving them, outside of myself and my priorities and my circumstances, but truly loving them as God would, then genuine kindness could be my only possible response to them. I haven't been doing well with this, people have been annoying me a lot lately, which concerns me. I don't want to be a bitter person who has nothing better going for them than a biting sense of cynicism about everything. This is one i definitely need to keep working on.

Goodness - Another one that's been getting the best of me lately. I think overall, I'm definitely a good person with a strong heart and a strong faith, but lately things just haven't been clicking. I haven't been feeling that. I think being a good person (and I don't mean morally upstanding when I say good, I just mean a generally good person, has a good sense about them, a solid head on their shoulders, and just an overall strong person to be around, the kind of person you want to talk to when things are going wrong because they seem like they'd just be a good person to talk to, that kind of good) is based greatly out of a sense of strength and self-worth. That strength is definitely something I have inside me, but it just hasn't been engaging lately. It's so much easier to be a cynical worthless sack of shit than it is to be a truly strong and courageous person. Which is no reason to be a cynical asshole, I just feel like lately I've been losing my fight. I think if that goodness is going to rear it's head anytime soon, I need to get back into the habit of fighting for it. Fighting against the perils and evils and terrible things of this world that are just all about dragging you down. I think I just thought about that for the first time actually, and it's really bumming me out. This is one I really want to bring back soon.

Gentleness - Definitely been lacking on this one. My tongue has been very biting lately. And it's mostly behind closed doors, but that doesn't make it ok by any means. I have been very quick to anger. Quick to cut, to demean, quick to sarcasm and cynicism and just feeling my life with little quips because I've been finding myself annoyed by everyone. And that's really just the formula for being a terrible person, which I don't want to be. I want to be a good, kind, gentle person. Someone who is strong, and yet soft and inviting as well. I think gentleness is such an important trait, and I know I've been a great gentle person in my past, but it just hasn't been clicking lately. I don't want to be the person that's know for always having something biting to lash out at someone with. I want to be the kind of person that's strong enough to lay down the criticism's we all tend to generate, and truly be someone that is gentle and loving. It feels like there's been almost no trace of gentleness in my life lately, and I think because of that it feels a bit like I'm becoming less human somehow. That I'm losing touch with the people around me. God please help me bring this sense of gentleness back.

Faithfulness - This one is really just a roller coaster. I think have a strong sense of faithfulness on a certain level, but on deeper levels I think it starts to fall through the cracks. Do I have faith that God is God and is control of every facet of everything and especially that he cares about what's happening in my life? In a broad sense, yes, and in a much deeper way, no. Yes I believe in God. I believe that Jesus Christ is His Son, and is my only remote shot at salvation, and for whatever reason He provided it for me. I believe that as God, He is in control of the universe and everything in it. But when I start to get down to the feelings I've been having lately: frustration, depression, loneliness, etc. I think it states quite clearly that my faith is working on a personal level with God being involved in my life. Which is such a vexation. Why is faith so simple and so easy, and yet so incredibly hard at the same time? If I truly had concrete faith that God was involved in my life, and cared about me in a deep and meaningful way, then all of my insecurities and fears and everything else would just fall by the wayside. How could they not? To know beyond all doubt that the God of the entire universe is so deeply involved in loving and caring for me and all the nitty gritty details of my life, how could there be any room for doubt? I want my faith to grow deeper and deeper into God, until the roots are so firmly attached to the spirit of who He is, that there is no room for doubt in my life, in my faith. I think I have a good foundation, but right now the roots don't reach very deep, which gives me an unstable foundation. I hope the roots will continue to grow deeper and drink the water that God provides, to keep my faith moving in a positive direction.

Self-Control - This one has seemed almost non-existant lately, in so many area's of my life. Just to name a few - anger, rage, lust, depression, and on and on. And I've always noticed in times of my life when I have no control over the simple everyday actions of my life, control of everything else seems to slip away pretty easily. There's not even much I can really say about this one. I need much much more of this in my life. Badly.

And so there it is, my self evaluation on where I'm at with the fruits of the spirit in my life as of today. And to be completely honest, this wasn't for anyone else's benefit. This wasn't for someone to read and know where I am or how I'm doing. I don't even know if anyone reads this blog. I think it was more for my benefit. So that I could just sit down with my thoughts and honestly hash out how I feel I'm doing with these things. Which clearly, I don't think I'm doing very well at this point. But that's the one thing I love about God, no matter how poorly I feel like I'm doing with becoming the person He wants me to become, He's always there with His arms full of grace and love, which covers over all of my shortcomings, and in turn, gives me more hope that I can continue to work towards becoming that person at my own pace, or rather at the pace that He's set for me to be running at this specific time in my life. Because in the end, there's no room to be bummed out on yourself with a God who's never bummed out with you, no matter how many times you screw up. Which is pretty incalculable for me at this point. Thank you for that God. I need it. Big time. Love you lots and lots.