thought

The experts say we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what circumstances would cause that number to increase. Many have said your life flashes before your eyes in the face of death. It actually happened to me once, I almost got ran over by a car riding my bike. Do you think that your brain kicks into overdrive in the face of death? That 10% becomes 15? 25? 50%? I imagine that if you have any time to realize that death is certain, then the amount of time between that realization and the time that you actually die would somehow seem almost infinite. Allowing your brain to process things at a speed it never has before, thereby possibly increasing the percentage of your brain that is working. Just saying.

Drinking and reading Dostoevsky may or may not be a really really great thing. I have to give him the credit for the majority of these thoughts. I'll decide when I wake up in the morning and read this to see if it makes any sense.

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uninspired

apathy, my dear, sweet, revolting friend.

how nice of you to drop by.

you never really leave a mess when you're here.

in fact you never really do much of anything.

which is just so god-damned appealing.

and i hate you for that.

how dare you come and destroy my creativity.

my presence.

my peace.

my individuality.

but that is what you do best, isn't it?

and how i loathe you for it.

bastard.

daughter

it's a shame what i thought of her

when i saw her that way.

it didn't change what you thought of her,

she's been your daughter since she was made.

since i was made i've been leaving.

i'd say i'd change, but i wouldn't believe it.

it's cause my legs, they don't forget.

when they find a way out, they always take it.

we don't know how we got here,

the way is overgrown.

we don't know how we became this.

she has a name, but i don't have to know.

cause all i'm after is all she has to show.

we cannot save, we can't even slow

our loss of innocence.

every little child has to grow.

we don't know how we got here,

the way is overgrown.

we don't know how we became this.

go buy this album. if you don't i will kick you squarely in the nuts and/or vag. straight up.

swallow

When you see her face, it reminds you of someone to be.

When you walk away, it reminds you to stop and breathe in.

Just breathe in.

Breathe, precious soul.

This too shall come to pass.

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ride.

to face yourself down is a thing of high intrigue.

let every wave ride. crash your weary soul onto the shore.

if you've been feeling belittled,

if you see your failures at every turn,

if your demons line the beaches of your nightmares,

find Solace. find Comfort. find Existence.

stepping into the weight of everything that you are,

is no easy task my dear child.

finding a way into the past breeds alternate realities.

tread lightly, friend.

perhaps you should just rest for a while.

sleep.

come and sleep.

fitting

There are days when mediocrity burns it's way through your veins. And it'll be damned if something is going to stop it. Some days my life hinges on it's aroma. So indistinct.

Flame on you arrogant bastard. Some day I will be rid of you.

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catastrophic

some days it just hits you. hard.

i don't know what it is, but there are days when everything just goes straight to hell in a flaming bucket of bolts and scrap metal. do you know what i mean?

hearts are such an odd, completely intangible and yet completely monumental thing. which is scary to think about. how you can go from being a sane, calm, rational person one minute, to a flaming douche in a second because something sets you off. something digs into the scars in your heart and squeezes out all the blood you've been working on just getting back into your veins for so long. and it ruins you. it just ruins you.

i had a couple days like that this week. and they were not proud moments.

sigh.

jesus, please show me what this pain is that's been lurking beneath the surface. please bring it out and let's deal with it. i thought i was done with all of this. i finally felt good about it. and then one thing sparks it off and the whole thing crashes and burns. i guess i'm not done with it (though by my timing standards, i feel like i should be by now).

however long it takes, i'm in this. i'm in for the long haul. at least i'd like to imagine i am. though sometimes i feel that if i really believed that i wouldn't have catastrophic meltdowns every time she digs her poisonous fingernails into my veins. and there i go again.

jesus please help. i need it. big time.

ugghhh

"You have heard the law that says 'love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your father in heaven."

You know Jesus, sometimes the things you say piss me off. And I don't want to do them. Efffffffffffffffffffff.

You never told me it would be so hard.

Oh wait. Yeah you did.

Double ef.

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i love

those people that always know how to ruin your day.

fuck.

I'm being abducted.

On April 25th and 26th in an effort to bring home the child soldiers of the LRA in Northern Uganda. The abduction in Denver starts at 3pm at Coors Field. If you don't come to this, then consider us through. Visit therescue.invisiblechildren.com for more details, or more cities if you live elsewhere. Get off your ass and do something important. Make a difference in your world.

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Material Existentialism

I've had it said to me that there is freedom in owning things. Being able to buy nice things. It's part of growing up. Part of being an adult. The freedom to make lavish purchases at ones will. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I think it's starting to feel a lot less true. I think I've been living my life along those lines for the last few years now. I've made several large and lavish purchases. Of really nice things. A 50" plasma television. A set of very nice couches. And other odds and ends. I feel like they're starting to weigh me down. They're just never enough. I buy an HDTV, and suddenly regular definition isn't enough, I need a high def cable box, which is more expensive to buy and monthly. Watching my regular definition movies isn't enough, now I need an upconverter to watch them in high def. The speakers on the tv aren't enough so I need a surround sound set up to accent everything. And now what I have isn't enough because there's
blu-ray, so now I want one of those things. It's also not enough to have nice couches. You suddenly need new tables, coffee tables and end tables to match them. And lamps to match them. And that's not enough to decorate so you need items to put on the tables to take up space and make everything else look better.

And having a good enough job to be able to afford all these things is the pinnacle of life. Or so I've been told. I was hanging out with my parents one day when they decided my dad needed a file cabinet. I expected this ordeal to last no longer than an hour. We would go to an office supply store and be on our way shortly thereafter. Instead, we went to a furniture store. Because apparently this file cabinet was going in the large open kitchen/living room. And apparently nothing but an expensive cherry wood file cabinet that matched the expensive cherry wood that the entire area was finished with would look good with the rooms motif. After weeks of searching, a cherry wood file cabinet was found. But upon bringing it to their house they realized that the color was ever so slightly off from the rest of the wood. So of course they needed to hire someone to come and figure out the exact tone of the existing wood so that he could then strip and refinish the file cabinet to match the existing wood. Maybe some day they'll be able to organize their files. I hope. And when I mentioned to them that I couldn't understand this relentless and multi hundreds of dollars pursuit of a file cabinet, they just told me it was part of the joys of being older and financially stable. My mom talked about it like their entire lives were hinging on this file cabinet. Like somehow their lives would finally be complete once their files were in order in a manner that matched the cabinets in the kitchen. It's almost as if she thinks her identity is dependant on it. Like if someone comes over and see's this sweeping grandiose kitchen with hardwood floors and beautiful cherry cabinets, and then finds out that my dads files are kept in a plain metal filing cabinet, this person will think less of my parents as people. And that if for some reason someone thinks less of them, they will actually somehow become less human. Less important.

I hope my life never gets to that point.

I'm starting to realize that the only thing that happens when you buy things, is that very soon afterwords, your things start to not be good enough. And you need to buy more and more things to accentuate the things you already have in order for those things to keep your interest. And soon newer and better things come out, and no matter how many accentuating things you buy, it won't compare to the newer and better things you could have. So you scrap the things you have. And buy new things. And then newer things to accentuate your new things with. And on and on and on. That doesn't even sound like freedom to me, let alone feel like it.
And maybe a lot of that is just my personality. I easily get sucked into the idea that I need more things for my things. But I also know there are people out there who have the ability to function normally and purchase things normally without this concept taking over their senses. I envy them.

I feel like I'm in chains. And I'm tired of it.

Long story short; does anyone want to buy a nice tv or some nice couches? I don't want them anymore. I want my life to simplify. I think that just existing anymore is complex enough as it is. I don't need all sorts of things making my already complex existence even more complex. If you don't have this problem then please buy this stuff so it can stop bothering me. Thanks.