hello all. i know i've been terrible at this blog as of late. and by as of late, i mean in the last year. not sure if anyone out there is still reading this thing. it doesn't really matter. time for an update.
as i post this, i have now officially lived in nashville for 6 months. that's crazy for me to think about. time has just flown off the calendar this year. now with the year coming to a close soon, i wanted to update everyone on my new life, and perhaps share a few thoughts. i have no real plan with this post, so if it turns into incoherent rambling, please forgive me.
nashville has been... amazing. that's really the only way i can describe it. it has been exactly the change i've been needing in my life. the spark, if you will. some of you may know, and some may not, but prior to my coming here in june, i had a rough few years in denver. just hard times piled upon hard times, all of which i dealt with very poorly. it started with a broken heart, i moved on to a slew of rebound relationships (which all left me even more broken in the end), a church i poured my life into threw me out, i lost a very well paying job, i gave up pursuing music, decided not to get another job and pursue opening a business in a very over-saturated market, and was preparing to move back in with my parents as i had nowhere else to go, and felt very abandoned because of that. and it just felt that with each progressive step, my heart and soul just crumbled more and more. it seemed as if everything in my life just kept caving in, even when i didn't know i had anything left that could come down. it all just buried me.
through this series of events, i just couldn't seem to find god. in any of it. especially after pouring my heart and soul into a church (about 30 hours a week of volunteering on top of working 50 hours a week) to try and find some answers, and then having them turn around and throw me to the curb over an incident that had absolutely nothing to do with them. that all came about in february of 2009, and after that it was every man for himself. i kept searching and searching for god and meaning and life, and felt nothing. absolutely nothing. and so rather than keep searching, i quit. i didn't attend church for an entire year. i didn't read my bible, i didn't pray, i didn't do anything. i never stopped believing, i just stopped caring. i couldn't find a way to care, as hard as i tried. so in the wake of that, i self-medicated. 2009 and the beginning of 2010 was a time in my life where i was walking a lot closer with jack daniels than i was with jesus christ. A LOT closer. binge drinking several nights a week, many times by myself, just so i wouldn't have to deal with the pain and confusion that was happening in my life.
now of course, all of this is not to say that i didn't have good times. i did. i have a lot of fond and happy memories from throughout that time period. but overall, it was not a healthy time in my life. by any means. and despite the fact that i always tried to put on a happy face, or i just drank and partied to make myself have a happy face, overall i was not happy. i was miserable. i just felt completely dead inside, and it felt like there was no one who cared enough to look under the surface and find that out. now, that's not to say that i don't have amazing friends in denver, i do, and i love them to death, and i understand that it's not other peoples responsibility to figure out that there's something wrong in my life. accountability and love are things that need to be sought out, not waited for.
so after all of this, with less than a week left on my lease, and no idea of where i was going to live afterwards, except at my parents house, i got a call from a friend in nashville that he had a room open to rent in the house he was living in. done. i told my parents and a select few friends, packed up my car and drove to nashville.
i could not be happier with that decision. while it's been hard being away from denver, away from my friends and family and everything i've ever known, i have found more happiness and genuine community here in nashville than i ever dreamed was possible, especially given the last few years i've been living in denver. i moved out here partially to pursue my business, which is photography in the entertainment industry, and partially just because i knew i needed a change. what i had going in denver was just not working for me. on any level. and i knew that i needed something major to break the rut i was in and put me in forward motion again. nashville has been just that. a chance to start over. a chance to experience life and vibrance and friendship and community again. i was fortunate enough to have a few friends when i moved out here, and i've been nothing but overwhelmed by the friendliness and hospitality of every single person i've met since i've been here.
as it turns out, no one that lives in nashville is actually from nashville, so in a city full of transplants, everyone understands what it's like to be the new person in town, and makes up for it beautifully by being so inviting and friendly. it's such an amazing environment. i've never felt so socially alive in my life. it's actually been exhausting in some ways (good ones, mind you). i have to have a night or two a week where i make myself stay in the house and not go out and hang out with people, simply because i need some time to recharge my social batteries. coming into that from an environment where i was at my house every single night, often alone, spending most of that time drinking my sorrows away, has been everything i could have asked for. i've made so many new and amazing friends, and even after only 6 months, i can't imagine where my life would be without them, or how i ever lived without them in the first place.
to put it plain and simple: i'm happy. for the first time in a very long time, i'm happy, and content, and completely in love with where i am, and the people i'm surrounded by. and beyond that, god and i have reconnected in a very big way. and i'm thankful to say that i'm in a place where i feel connected, and motivated, and alive in christ. i haven't felt that way in a long time. all in all, it's a beautiful thing. i couldn't be more grateful for this time in my life. it's been exactly what my heart has needed. and that's been reaffirmed to me by several close friends from denver who knew me before i moved here. without even seeing me, they can tell there is a huge difference in my attitude and my heart from when i was living in denver. and that's a great feeling. i'm slightly saddened by the fact that it took me leaving denver to find that in my life, but sometimes you just have to do things on faith. on faith that god will provide what you need when you need it, and that he's walking every step of the way with you. and that's what nashville has been for me.
so that's my short update on my last 6 months here in nashville and where my heart is at the moment. to all my friends back in denver, i love you and miss you dearly, and we will be reunited shortly. to all my new friends here in nashville, thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. i would not be where or who i am without everyone in my life, past and present. so for now, i'm just thankful to be somewhere that i know god had planned out for me, even when i thought there was no way for me to recover. and i'm thankful for being able to live in a city that has become more of a home to me than anything i've ever experienced before in my life.
love you all.
marcus.
