we are the journey

A Journal Excerpt. 03.22.11.

2011-03-22T09:48:00.004-06:00

This morning I started studying Daniel. As I was reading, I was journaling some thoughts. I read back over them, and this section stuck out to me. I thought I would share it.

vs 17, 19. "God gave these four men an unusual aptitude for understanding... and no one impressed the king as much as them."

GOD IS INVOLVED IN OUR LIVES. These men had no desire to go to Babylon. They were taken captive by the king and forced into his service. They never wanted to go, they never wanted to work for the Babylonian king. How easy (and justifiable) it would have been for them to just be bitter about their situation, and to cry out for God to deliver them from it. How often I find myself doing that. Telling God where I need to be rather than paying attention to where He has already put me. But these men were determined to believe that God could and WOULD use them in the midst of a terrible situation. And because of that, their faith was rewarded. God knows every detail and event in our lives long before we do. If only I had the patience to let God work rather than just a motivation to see myself happy right now. Think about how much more for the kingdom could be accomplished! God can and will work through the difficult circumstances in our lives, and the work is so much greater (and more rewarding) when we let Him do His thing, rather than focus on our selfish desires.

arise:

2011-02-08T21:39:00.002-07:00

arise:

awake, dear friend.

feel the fires

burn

within you once

more.

let sleep remain

for the weary.

for those who

have no

bones of war.

this is not

your tragedy

to bestow.

nor is it yours

to live.

awaken.

find your

warriors

heart once

more!

remember the

dreams

shared.

shake this

facade of

fatigue from

your veins

and feel

them course

with

lifeblood

once more!!

no.

this is not the end.

your end.

demise.

response.

repose.

this is

antithesis.

you are

antithesis.

live it!!

the ground of

the thief ends

here.

this night.

tonight...

we take back

what is

rightfully

ours!!

and this is

what we

fight for...

simply...

to fight.

to feel alive.

a reason

to live.

for in that

moment when

we cease to strive

for that which

gives us life...

what do

become?

the answer,

dear friends,

is one i fear

we would do

well to

avoid.

this is

your night,

and you are

the

savage.

reclaim

what is

yours.

faithfully,

your king

All Who Are Weary.

2011-01-29T15:12:00.002-07:00

2011 has been interesting thus far. I know a lot of you haven't seen much of me, which has been somewhat by design and somewhat out of my control, but both of those are somehow connected. Since coming home from CO I've been laying pretty low. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I just feel like God has been telling me over this last month that I need to be spending some solid time at rest. Reconnecting with Him, reconnecting with my heart, and letting all of the stress and busyness of life fall by the wayside. I couldn't tell you why He's having me do this, but I know that as I move forward with this year, I really want to move forward in my connection with God. Move further into the idea of walking and talking with Him on a daily basis, and moving further into the idea of giving up everything in my life to Him.

It's been both difficult and refreshing to be taking a social break. Not because I don't love my friends. I do. I love all of you more than you can imagine. But life seems to be filled with so many distractions, things keeping me from charging head first after God. Not that those distractions are bad things in and of themselves, mind you. But distractions nonetheless. For the last month or so, I've just felt a season of change coming on. I feel specifically that God has been telling me that some big changes are heading my way, and I need to be completely rested and focused on Him in preparation for those changes. I couldn't tell you for the life of me what I think that means. Despite the shortness of my time on this planet, one lesson I've learned over and over again is not to try and put the pieces together prematurely when God tells me change is coming. I have a habit of imagining best case scenarios all the time and then being absolutely crushed when my life hits the wall. The biggest example of that being the second time I was in Afghanistan in 2008.

I was having my daily quiet time with God, and I heard Him tell me, "Marcus, some big changes are coming in your life, and I need you to hold on. That's all I need you to do, is hold on." At the time I had just started playing in a new band, I was auditioning for a couple tours, and I was dating a girl. And in my infinite selfishness all I could imagine was those bands working out really well and being financially successful and having that turn me from God. What proceeded to happen was everything I knew in my life crashing into a brick wall at 100mph over the next 2 years. Everything from family to music to jobs to friendships to churches all disappeared around me. I did not deal with it well. As I've stated before, it was a period of time that I spent walking a lot closer with Jack Daniels than I was with Jesus Christ. But somehow I held on. It wasn't even until a few months ago that I remembered that God had told me that. I completely forgot about it in the midst of everything that was going on. But as I look back on it now, I'm completely amazed by it. Amazed by the fact that I was even able to hold on during that time, and just amazed by how faithful God has been in my life. So all of that is to say, that with whatever God is preparing me for now, I'm trying to remain objective. Not getting my hopes up, not getting my hopes down, just being comfortable with what God is asking me in this moment, which is to rest and center my heart on Him.

Rest is such a funny concept. Especially living in the type of society we do here in the US. It's something that is completely foreign and 100% opposite of how we're told to operate societally. I mean true rest. I don't mean taking a night off every once in a while, I mean the idea of living in a state of rest. That's the kind of life Jesus has called us to take on.

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.'" - Matthew 11:28-30

This is a call that is put to us that comes before anything. Take on the yoke and teachings of Christ. Before work. Before school. Before life. Before anything. If we put ourselves under the burden of Christ, then our hearts will begin to take on an attitude of rest long before anything we actually do in our lives will have the chance to spoil it. I've been meditating on those verses as often as I can. I wrote them down and hung them above my desk so I'm looking at them all day as I work.

Recently as I was spending some time with God, I felt he was pushing me to ask Him about where I am in my walk with Him. I was immediately filled with dread. The same kind of dread I get right before I check my checking account balance. Like, "Oh no, I don't think I even want to know what's going on in here. What if it's not what I think it is? What if it's not what it should be? What am I going to do?" That's how I felt about checking in with God about my walk with Him. How ridiculous. He revealed a couple pretty big things to me throughout the course of that conversation. First I asked God to reveal to me how I thought I was doing with Him. The word that came into my heart was "terrible." How awful. At my base level, that's how I think I'm doing with God, terrible. That's how afraid I am of checking in to where I even am with Him, that the first thing I can think when confronted about it is "terrible." But God is better than that. Next I asked Him where He thinks my relationship with Him is. The word that came into my heart was "refresh." I felt him telling me that I was in a time of refreshment with Him. To remember where true satisfaction in this world comes from, and to drink in as much of it as I possibly can. That's what I felt Him say to me. I have to say that I felt like I didn't agree, but I do know that I've been trying to seek Him as much as possible and reconnect my heart with Him lately.

After this I simply asked God to point me to some scripture to read. I really felt God putting Psalms 42 on my heart. I couldn't tell you the last time I read Psalms, I rarely do, and I never really think about or remember any of the things that are said in them, as good as they are. So I opened up to Psalms 42.

"As the deer longs for streams of water,
so I long for you, O God.
I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I go and stand before him?"
-Psalms 42:1-2

I absolutely lost my mind. I haven't cried like that in some time. Even when I'm at my worst, spending as much time with God as I can and still feeling like I'm doing a terrible job, He's there to reassure me that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, learning and doing exactly what He wants me to be doing in this moment.

Rest. Refreshment. Living Water. Those are the things I'm meditating on lately. How about yourself?

The Fear is What Keeps Us Here.

2011-01-10T10:50:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the title. It's definitely my least favorite Zao record, but I've always thought of Dan Weyandt as one of the greatest lyricists of this generation, and I love that title. It holds very true to what I want to talk about with this post: fear.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." - 2 Timothy 1:7

God has really been hitting me with this verse lately. Hard. I think I tend to live so much of my life in fear. I think we all do. And I'm not talking about the big fears, like dying or that sort of thing. I'm talking about the little things. Just the little day to day fears. Don't talk to this person, don't tell your friends this or that, don't ask that girl out, don't talk about yourself too much, etc. Little fears that we all deal with. But I've started to realize that over time, all those little things that we never give much thought to start to add up. They start to add up a lot. And the sum is something I think we would all do well to avoid.

The way I see it, all those little things start to add up to a wasted life. And that's exactly what our enemy wants. Think about that. If God hasn't given us a spirit of fear and timidity, and those spirits aren't from God, where must they be from? If we are truly to believe that our enemy, the devil, is like a hungry lion, roaming around looking for someone to devour(1 Peter), then what would he rather see than the children of God, his enemies, wasting their lives away in a series of small, seemingly insignificant fears? Especially when the result is a nearly complete loss of everything that God desires for us. Closeness, companionship, etc.

Anyways, this is just something God has been pressing on my heart lately, so I thought I'd share it with all of you. The more conscious we are of the enemy's attacks on us, the more we will be able to recognize and resist them. We are called to a life greater than that of fear. Let's start living it.

Philippians 3: 12-14

2010-12-18T11:50:00.003-07:00

Here's another set of verses I need tattoo'd on my corneas so I don't forget them. I think everyone who calls themselves a Christian would be wise to listen to Paul's words here. We aren't perfect, nor will we ever be in this life. All we can do is look forward.

"I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."

six months out.

2010-12-02T21:52:00.002-07:00

hello all. i know i've been terrible at this blog as of late. and by as of late, i mean in the last year. not sure if anyone out there is still reading this thing. it doesn't really matter. time for an update.

as i post this, i have now officially lived in nashville for 6 months. that's crazy for me to think about. time has just flown off the calendar this year. now with the year coming to a close soon, i wanted to update everyone on my new life, and perhaps share a few thoughts. i have no real plan with this post, so if it turns into incoherent rambling, please forgive me.

nashville has been... amazing. that's really the only way i can describe it. it has been exactly the change i've been needing in my life. the spark, if you will. some of you may know, and some may not, but prior to my coming here in june, i had a rough few years in denver. just hard times piled upon hard times, all of which i dealt with very poorly. it started with a broken heart, i moved on to a slew of rebound relationships (which all left me even more broken in the end), a church i poured my life into threw me out, i lost a very well paying job, i gave up pursuing music, decided not to get another job and pursue opening a business in a very over-saturated market, and was preparing to move back in with my parents as i had nowhere else to go, and felt very abandoned because of that. and it just felt that with each progressive step, my heart and soul just crumbled more and more. it seemed as if everything in my life just kept caving in, even when i didn't know i had anything left that could come down. it all just buried me.

through this series of events, i just couldn't seem to find god. in any of it. especially after pouring my heart and soul into a church (about 30 hours a week of volunteering on top of working 50 hours a week) to try and find some answers, and then having them turn around and throw me to the curb over an incident that had absolutely nothing to do with them. that all came about in february of 2009, and after that it was every man for himself. i kept searching and searching for god and meaning and life, and felt nothing. absolutely nothing. and so rather than keep searching, i quit. i didn't attend church for an entire year. i didn't read my bible, i didn't pray, i didn't do anything. i never stopped believing, i just stopped caring. i couldn't find a way to care, as hard as i tried. so in the wake of that, i self-medicated. 2009 and the beginning of 2010 was a time in my life where i was walking a lot closer with jack daniels than i was with jesus christ. A LOT closer. binge drinking several nights a week, many times by myself, just so i wouldn't have to deal with the pain and confusion that was happening in my life.

now of course, all of this is not to say that i didn't have good times. i did. i have a lot of fond and happy memories from throughout that time period. but overall, it was not a healthy time in my life. by any means. and despite the fact that i always tried to put on a happy face, or i just drank and partied to make myself have a happy face, overall i was not happy. i was miserable. i just felt completely dead inside, and it felt like there was no one who cared enough to look under the surface and find that out. now, that's not to say that i don't have amazing friends in denver, i do, and i love them to death, and i understand that it's not other peoples responsibility to figure out that there's something wrong in my life. accountability and love are things that need to be sought out, not waited for.

so after all of this, with less than a week left on my lease, and no idea of where i was going to live afterwards, except at my parents house, i got a call from a friend in nashville that he had a room open to rent in the house he was living in. done. i told my parents and a select few friends, packed up my car and drove to nashville.

i could not be happier with that decision. while it's been hard being away from denver, away from my friends and family and everything i've ever known, i have found more happiness and genuine community here in nashville than i ever dreamed was possible, especially given the last few years i've been living in denver. i moved out here partially to pursue my business, which is photography in the entertainment industry, and partially just because i knew i needed a change. what i had going in denver was just not working for me. on any level. and i knew that i needed something major to break the rut i was in and put me in forward motion again. nashville has been just that. a chance to start over. a chance to experience life and vibrance and friendship and community again. i was fortunate enough to have a few friends when i moved out here, and i've been nothing but overwhelmed by the friendliness and hospitality of every single person i've met since i've been here.

as it turns out, no one that lives in nashville is actually from nashville, so in a city full of transplants, everyone understands what it's like to be the new person in town, and makes up for it beautifully by being so inviting and friendly. it's such an amazing environment. i've never felt so socially alive in my life. it's actually been exhausting in some ways (good ones, mind you). i have to have a night or two a week where i make myself stay in the house and not go out and hang out with people, simply because i need some time to recharge my social batteries. coming into that from an environment where i was at my house every single night, often alone, spending most of that time drinking my sorrows away, has been everything i could have asked for. i've made so many new and amazing friends, and even after only 6 months, i can't imagine where my life would be without them, or how i ever lived without them in the first place.

to put it plain and simple: i'm happy. for the first time in a very long time, i'm happy, and content, and completely in love with where i am, and the people i'm surrounded by. and beyond that, god and i have reconnected in a very big way. and i'm thankful to say that i'm in a place where i feel connected, and motivated, and alive in christ. i haven't felt that way in a long time. all in all, it's a beautiful thing. i couldn't be more grateful for this time in my life. it's been exactly what my heart has needed. and that's been reaffirmed to me by several close friends from denver who knew me before i moved here. without even seeing me, they can tell there is a huge difference in my attitude and my heart from when i was living in denver. and that's a great feeling. i'm slightly saddened by the fact that it took me leaving denver to find that in my life, but sometimes you just have to do things on faith. on faith that god will provide what you need when you need it, and that he's walking every step of the way with you. and that's what nashville has been for me.

so that's my short update on my last 6 months here in nashville and where my heart is at the moment. to all my friends back in denver, i love you and miss you dearly, and we will be reunited shortly. to all my new friends here in nashville, thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. i would not be where or who i am without everyone in my life, past and present. so for now, i'm just thankful to be somewhere that i know god had planned out for me, even when i thought there was no way for me to recover. and i'm thankful for being able to live in a city that has become more of a home to me than anything i've ever experienced before in my life.

love you all.

marcus.

New Photo Blog

2010-09-29T09:58:00.001-06:00

Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you know that the duel platform this blog has been serving lately has come to an end. I now have a good blog set up through my website, so that's where all my photography related posts will be going from now on. If you're interested in following that blog, you can find it at marcusbaney.com/blog. Thanks!

Marcus

Mike's Pawn Shop.

2010-07-27T00:32:00.001-06:00

Tonight I did a few test shots for my friends in Mike's Pawn Shop. This is the only shot I've edited thus far, but I'm excited about how it turned out, so I decided to put it up tonight. More to come. Enjoy!

New Orleans, LA

2010-07-20T16:15:00.003-06:00

A few shots from my recent trip to the Gulf Coast. Prints will be available. Contact me at marcus@marcusbaney.com.

Moss Point, MS

2010-07-20T15:01:00.003-06:00

A few shots from my recent trip to the Gulf Coast. Prints will be available. Contact me at marcus@marcusbaney.com.

kayla.

2010-07-13T17:12:00.000-06:00

a couple more images of kayla murray that i finally got around to finishing. enjoy!

textures. round 2.

2010-07-13T17:11:00.003-06:00

my second attempt at working with textures on this set of photo's. thanks for the experimentation room, kayla!

Textures.

2010-06-21T22:33:00.003-06:00

Today I decided to try my hand at adding textures to a photo as I was working on it. This is my first attempt at such a process. What do you guys think?

The Ladies of Metal

2010-06-19T18:35:00.004-06:00

This was the last shoot I got the chance to be a part of in Colorado. A good friend of mine works closely with a conglomeration of awesome girls who call themselves The Ladies of Metal. I'm stoked on how things turned out. Check it!

the funny intricacies.

2010-06-05T16:50:00.002-06:00

so i guess we're just going to keep dancing.
dancing right next to each other,
but each pretending that the other does not exist.
this is not existence.
this is not a place where ignorance works.
this is not even life.
this is a charade.
of the most grand illusion
ever perpetrated by two hearts.

i can only pray that one day
we will come to reconciliation.
so that we can stop this useless endeavor
into something that was never meant
to be delved into in the first place.

i can only hope you accept my apologies
and life can begin to move forward again.
i can't handle the awkward silences anymore.
i don't want to.

let me know when you're ready.
i'm waiting with open arms.

i officially...

2010-06-02T13:06:00.000-06:00

live in nashville!! super pumped about it. thanks to everyone for your prayers, it was a long drive yesterday, but i'm here safe and sound. colorado, i'll miss you, but if you ever want to come visit, you have a place to stay. keep in touch!!

hey.

2010-05-20T01:21:00.002-06:00

you. mr. my heart. stop feeling things about people you need not be feeling them about. serially.

sleepless nights.

2010-05-13T08:21:00.002-06:00

have you ever woken up in a panic? like there was some business you forgot to take care of that you never even had in the first place? i've been having nights like that lately. how does one go about procuring the forgiveness of someone when you don't know how you've wronged them? this is the question that's been plaguing me lately. i don't know the answer. i can only hope and pray that one day we'll be reconciled. but until that day comes i suppose i'll just keep having these fleeting moments of sitting up wide awake, worrying about what's to come.

Jordan and Leah.

2010-04-29T12:10:00.004-06:00

Recently I got the chance to do some engagement shots for my friends Jordan and Leah. I had the honor of introducing these two about two years ago, and it's been so wonderful watching their love bloom over that time. They are two of my dearest friends and I couldn't be more excited for them as they move onto the next phase of their journey together. When we sat down and talked about the shoot, they said they wanted something very out of the norm as far as engagement shots go. This was the theme I came up with for the shoot. Enjoy!

me!

2010-04-26T14:55:00.001-06:00

so i finally got some cybersync's to remotely trigger my lights. i was messing around with them in the kitchen today. self-portrait surprise! haha.

Hollow Younge.

2010-04-23T20:45:00.004-06:00

these are some shots i did recently for the boulder based band hollow younge (pronounced young). these were all around boulder and the cu campus. enjoy!

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

2010-04-22T00:06:00.001-06:00

"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies."

dear god. help me remember this. every second of every day. please. if i could get this tattooed on my corneas so that i had to look at it all the time, i would. hopefully this will be of some encouragement to all of you. it sure as hell is to me right now.

Politic at the Bluebird.

2010-04-20T02:45:00.004-06:00

On 04.17.10. I got the privilege to do some photo's for my good friends in the band Politic at their headlining show at the Bluebird Theater in Denver. These are some of the better captures of the evening. Enjoy!

if this is what it is.

2010-04-19T01:07:00.003-06:00

then just let it be. i'm done trying to hide. i'm done trying to be something that i'm not. i'm done trying to prove my worth to all of you through means i don't have. if i'm depressed then i'm going to be fucking depressed. the end.

you.

2010-04-16T01:24:00.001-06:00

you make my heart hurt. and you don't even know it. please stop.

i am jack's sorely frustrated sense of will power.

Travel Dates

2010-04-14T16:38:00.003-06:00

Hey everyone! My travel dates have officially been booked. I will be in Nashville May 7th-11th, and Los Angeles May 11th-17th. If you'd like to book a shoot, please get in touch with me at marcus@marcusbaney.com. Thanks!!

Chambio.

2010-04-14T16:03:00.003-06:00

these are some promo shots i did for my friends in the band chambio recently. super legit band. be sure to check them out. they'll knock your socks off. the last couple shots mark my first attempt to use natural lighting and bokeh with band promo's. i'm pretty stoked on how they came out. enjoy!

peep the strategy.

2010-04-05T23:01:00.000-06:00

www.marcusbaney.com

I Deny The Resurrection of Christ.

2010-04-04T21:18:00.003-06:00

so tonight i got a chance to go to the easter services at denver community church, which is where i attend church on a weekly basis. michael, our pastor, brought up an interesting topic for the sermon today. through a series of events and introspection, he had come to the decision that he denies the resurrection of jesus christ. and through a lot of soul searching and my own introspection, and some research into the topic, i have decided that i do as well. i present to you the thoughts of mr. peter rollins. these thoughts are not my own on the subject, but i have decided that i wholeheartedly agree with his position on the matter.

"Without equivocation or hesitation I fully and completely admit that I deny the resurrection of Christ. This is something that anyone who knows me could tell you, and I am not afraid to say it publicly, no matter what some people may think…

I deny the resurrection of Christ every time I do not serve at the feet of the oppressed, each day that I turn my back on the poor; I deny the resurrection of Christ when I close my ears to the cries of the downtrodden and lend my support to an unjust and corrupt system.

However there are moments when I affirm that resurrection, few and far between as they are. I affirm it when I stand up for those who are forced to live on their knees, when I speak for those who have had their tongues torn out, when I cry for those who have no more tears left to shed."

-Peter Rollins' blog - http://peterrollins.net/blog/?p=136

go ahead, breathe your sigh of relief, because at the end of the day, what i say i believe is more important that what i actually do, right? or is it the other way around? i like to think it is. i deny the resurrection. on a daily basis. and i'm not ok with that. so rather than asking me what i believe, how about you ask me what i'm doing or how i'm acting for a change, because in the end, that demonstrates what we really believe, so much more than the words that come out of our mouth. i fully deny the resurrection. every day. and i'm willing to bet you do too. what can we do to encourage each other to affirm the resurrection, rather than deny it, in our lives every day? something to think about.

Attention Los Angeles and Nashville!!

2010-03-29T16:42:00.004-06:00

I am planning trips to both Los Angeles and Nashville in May. I will be booking shoots for both trips, and travel specials will apply in both cities. If you're interested (or if you know anyone who would be) in setting something up, please get in touch with me! marcus@marcusbaney.com

in fair consideration.

2010-03-28T13:57:00.002-06:00

how about we try this?

how about we stop dancing?

how about we just feel what we feel,

rather than what we think we should feel?

Kayla.

2010-03-18T17:47:00.003-06:00

I got the opportunity to do some more shots for the modeling portfolio of my friend Kayla last week. I even got to rent out a studio and everything, I had a lot of fun doing the shoot and editing these. More to come. Enjoy!

formspring/i suck

2010-03-15T17:36:00.004-06:00

so i got bored and started a formspring page. ask me anything you like. i will answer it. or you can ask me to blog about it here. or whatever. it's all good. pick my brain, it's ripe. formspring.me/marcusbaney

Atticus Metal Tour - 03.09.10

2010-03-12T02:14:00.004-07:00

I got the chance to shoot the Atticus Metal Tour on Tuesday, which featured Carnifex, The Ghost Inside, Veil of Maya, Stick To Your Guns, and Unearth. These are some of my better captures from the evening. Enjoy!

American Tomahawk.

2010-03-12T02:12:00.002-07:00

i got the opportunity to do a short promo session for my friends in american tomahawk recently. this was what we came out with.

milestone for the man.

2010-02-26T22:25:00.002-07:00

i would like to take just a second today to say happy birthday to mr. johnny cash. on tuesday, his final recordings he made before he passed were released as his final record in the american recordings series, entitled "american vi". fantastic. it's like he picked the songs he did on that record because he knew his time was coming. there is so much life and death dealt with on the record. it once again completely reminds me just why he is my number one musical influence. you are dearly missed friend. one day soon, we will meet. i look forward to it. here's to you.

felt drawings and paperclips.

2010-02-22T11:53:00.002-07:00

hearts strung too taut
snap under the pressure
left by notes plucked long ago.

worth? finding worth?
these are the least of my concerns
when things as important as ego
and image are riding on the line.

no, why would i bother
with finding self worth?
and for that matter,
why would you pretend to care?

you don't. let's just play
it like it is.
you don't care.

i am the puppet
you, the puppet master.
i am the thread,
you, the needle.

and whether it was intentional
when you stitched my heart
to yours, it doesn't change
the fact that as thread,
i follow the needle.

round and round we go.
dancing this endless game.
trying to salvage and protect
what little of our hearts we
have left after our
separate paths.

yet something glows every time
our paths cross.
something in the universe
screams out, STOP!
PAY ATTENTION TO THIS!
and we do, yet we never do.

are doomed to dance in this cycle?
endlessly twirling around,
sizing each other
(as well as ourselves)
up to no avail or end?

or will we abandon reason.
abandon logic.
and meet in the middle of the floor.
and at least try out one dance.
just to see where it leads.

will we?
i cannot say.

Reality Check.

2010-02-17T00:33:00.002-07:00

So this year I only made one new year's resolution (which is one more than I usually make, because I've personally never understood the philosophy of using the new year as a mechanism of change, if you want to change then just change, but that's beside the point). My resolution this year was to pray/meditate over the fruits of the spirit at least once a day. Now of course I've missed a few days, I mean who's ever perfect with their resolutions? But it's definitely something I'm still keeping up with, which I'm stoked to say. I think the whole idea behind it is that if I spend more time meditating on the fruits, then they'll begin to manifest themselves more and more in my everyday life. Right now I feel like giving myself a critique on how I think I'm doing with the fruits currently. This probably isn't going to be pretty and it probably won't paint me in a good light, so if your entire view of me is riding on how I'm doing with this, then prepare to be bummed out. What can I say, I believe in honesty. Let's do this. First fruit:

Love: The first of the fruits, a pretty important one I'd say. Jesus boiled all of his teachings and the entire bible down into two commandments, "Love God, Love People." Pretty simple. That gives me the idea that all of the other fruits of the spirit and really everything in life are based off of this one quality. Seeing as that's the case, I could probably just skip all the other fruits since I haven't got this one down yet, but I won't. When I pray over the fruits, I try and pray specific applications for each into my life. And of course, with love, my desire is to be a more loving person. More caring, more compassionate, more everything. I feel like I've been doing really poorly with love this year. I've been very frustrated by the position I'm in in life, and I think it's definitely been taking a toll on me. I'm frustrated by a lot of things, lack of direction, lack of anything good going for me, lack of friends. And I know that if I sit and really pull all those things apart, it's almost all in my own perception, but I've always been that kind of person, always had that kind of mindset, to think that nothing ever works out for me and just get bummed about it. I've struggled with depression on some level most of my adult life, and even though I feel like I'm past clinical depression symptoms, the temptation to gravitate towards that mindset is always present, and I must say I haven't been doing well with it lately. Which of course, my past and my struggles are no excuse, it's just the reasoning I use in my head. So because of all these perceptions I have of the poor quality of life I'm living, I've been finding it really hard to unconditionally love on people. I'd rather concentrate on myself and the things I think are wrong with my life and the people that are making it that way. Which is, of course, the complete and exact opposite of love. It's selfishness. So I haven't been doing great with this fruit. But I continue to pray over it and hope that in time my heart and attitude are changed to one more loving and Christ-like. I suppose that's all we can ever do.

Joy - I've always been a fan of the idea that joy is not an emotion, it's a lifestyle, a decision that we make. We can either decide to live a joyful life, or we can decide to live a miserable life. I think joy is quite separate from emotion. I think it's entirely possible to be joyful when you're happy, bawling your eyes out, or mad as all hell. And I think the key to that is in believing that the source of joy does not come from this life or this world, but from God. That being said, human beings are quite fickle creatures, and I am no exception. No matter how much we want our joy to always be based in something or someone that's unchanging, this is rarely the case. And when I say we, I really mean me. Joy is up and down, on and off these days for me. Some days I feel a fantastic sense of joy and fulfillment, and some days I'm so frustrated and lost and confused I couldn't fathom having a joyful attitude about anything. And it's funny (or more ironic I should say) how when peeled apart, the days when my joy feels complete and everything feels right, are the days I feel most connected to God, and the days I just feel awful are the days when He's the furthest thing from my mind. So again, much work needs to be done, but at the same time, I do have days where joy is abundant and I feel connected to God, which gives me hope, and I think hope is a huge part of joy.

Peace - Peace has always been one of my stronger suits as far as the fruits go. Despite how things are going in my life, despite my levels of joy or frustration or hopelessness or whatever, peace is usually never a problem for me. I suppose I'm a pretty easygoing person, and I'm sure that helps with the sense of peace I feel. The times when I doubt God so completely that I have no sense of peace about the fact that whether I see it or not, I'm taken care of, are pretty few and far between for me. Even though I have the distinct tendency to get really bummed about where I'm at or what's going on with my life, deep down, at the bottom of things, I still feel comfortable with the idea that God is in control of my life and is taking care of things. Most of my anxiety issues are with His timing, not his control, so for the most part, peace comes pretty naturally to me. I can always improve, I know, but this is one I feel like I'm doing pretty well with at the moment.

Patience - Ahh yes, I knew this one was coming. As I said about two sentences ago, my anxiety issues with God aren't with His supreme control, they're with his sense (or my perceived lack thereof) of timing. It's seemed that for so many things in my life, the timing has just never been right. Nothing has ever seemed to work out the way it should. And of course, the longer I'm made to wait for things I want, the more and more impatient I become. At the end of the day, impatience is the most nonsensical thing you can feel about the situations in your life. What big quandry's in life have ever been solved by the act of being impatient? None. Of course with certain situations you have control over things and if you get impatient enough you can change them, but I'm talking about the big things. Namely career's. I picked up my first guitar 10 years ago, and I haven't looked back since. Being a professional musician is all I've wanted to do since I can remember. And when I say professional, I mean that playing music would be my only source of financial support, not being professional level of playing. But the music industry is one of those things that no amount of impatience will get you into. The music industry is about 10% (that's a VERY generous number) how good you are, and 90% who you know. And that's the bottom line. You can't make yourself know the exact right people at the exact right time through impatience. It's a waiting game. It requires patience, and discipline, and the EXTREME desire to push through the inordinate amount of time you spend not doing what you want to do to get to where you want to be. And I never feel patient. I never feel like I'm ok with waiting around for things to work out. I've been doing it the last 10 years. It's getting old. But like I said, impatience isn't going to get me anywhere. It's something I need to pray for every single day, and that's probably not going to end any time soon. Gotta keep working.

Kindness - Another subject that I am on and off with. Some days I just don't have it in me. Some days it feels like it's all I can do to keep existing, let alone letting the air of kindness permeate me so that I'm just oozing it to everyone I come in contact with. And I take this to all levels. Jesus taught one thing over and over again, and that was that sin is not just about what happens on the surface, it's about what happens in the heart. And so even if I'm nice to someone at the gym that I don't want to be, if I'm seething or cutting them down in my mind seconds later, I've still fallen short of the mark that God has set for me. I'm not living up to the person He would have me be. This is something that I think is directly related to the idea of loving all people. If i was truly loving them, outside of myself and my priorities and my circumstances, but truly loving them as God would, then genuine kindness could be my only possible response to them. I haven't been doing well with this, people have been annoying me a lot lately, which concerns me. I don't want to be a bitter person who has nothing better going for them than a biting sense of cynicism about everything. This is one i definitely need to keep working on.

Goodness - Another one that's been getting the best of me lately. I think overall, I'm definitely a good person with a strong heart and a strong faith, but lately things just haven't been clicking. I haven't been feeling that. I think being a good person (and I don't mean morally upstanding when I say good, I just mean a generally good person, has a good sense about them, a solid head on their shoulders, and just an overall strong person to be around, the kind of person you want to talk to when things are going wrong because they seem like they'd just be a good person to talk to, that kind of good) is based greatly out of a sense of strength and self-worth. That strength is definitely something I have inside me, but it just hasn't been engaging lately. It's so much easier to be a cynical worthless sack of shit than it is to be a truly strong and courageous person. Which is no reason to be a cynical asshole, I just feel like lately I've been losing my fight. I think if that goodness is going to rear it's head anytime soon, I need to get back into the habit of fighting for it. Fighting against the perils and evils and terrible things of this world that are just all about dragging you down. I think I just thought about that for the first time actually, and it's really bumming me out. This is one I really want to bring back soon.

Gentleness - Definitely been lacking on this one. My tongue has been very biting lately. And it's mostly behind closed doors, but that doesn't make it ok by any means. I have been very quick to anger. Quick to cut, to demean, quick to sarcasm and cynicism and just feeling my life with little quips because I've been finding myself annoyed by everyone. And that's really just the formula for being a terrible person, which I don't want to be. I want to be a good, kind, gentle person. Someone who is strong, and yet soft and inviting as well. I think gentleness is such an important trait, and I know I've been a great gentle person in my past, but it just hasn't been clicking lately. I don't want to be the person that's know for always having something biting to lash out at someone with. I want to be the kind of person that's strong enough to lay down the criticism's we all tend to generate, and truly be someone that is gentle and loving. It feels like there's been almost no trace of gentleness in my life lately, and I think because of that it feels a bit like I'm becoming less human somehow. That I'm losing touch with the people around me. God please help me bring this sense of gentleness back.

Faithfulness - This one is really just a roller coaster. I think have a strong sense of faithfulness on a certain level, but on deeper levels I think it starts to fall through the cracks. Do I have faith that God is God and is control of every facet of everything and especially that he cares about what's happening in my life? In a broad sense, yes, and in a much deeper way, no. Yes I believe in God. I believe that Jesus Christ is His Son, and is my only remote shot at salvation, and for whatever reason He provided it for me. I believe that as God, He is in control of the universe and everything in it. But when I start to get down to the feelings I've been having lately: frustration, depression, loneliness, etc. I think it states quite clearly that my faith is working on a personal level with God being involved in my life. Which is such a vexation. Why is faith so simple and so easy, and yet so incredibly hard at the same time? If I truly had concrete faith that God was involved in my life, and cared about me in a deep and meaningful way, then all of my insecurities and fears and everything else would just fall by the wayside. How could they not? To know beyond all doubt that the God of the entire universe is so deeply involved in loving and caring for me and all the nitty gritty details of my life, how could there be any room for doubt? I want my faith to grow deeper and deeper into God, until the roots are so firmly attached to the spirit of who He is, that there is no room for doubt in my life, in my faith. I think I have a good foundation, but right now the roots don't reach very deep, which gives me an unstable foundation. I hope the roots will continue to grow deeper and drink the water that God provides, to keep my faith moving in a positive direction.

Self-Control - This one has seemed almost non-existant lately, in so many area's of my life. Just to name a few - anger, rage, lust, depression, and on and on. And I've always noticed in times of my life when I have no control over the simple everyday actions of my life, control of everything else seems to slip away pretty easily. There's not even much I can really say about this one. I need much much more of this in my life. Badly.

And so there it is, my self evaluation on where I'm at with the fruits of the spirit in my life as of today. And to be completely honest, this wasn't for anyone else's benefit. This wasn't for someone to read and know where I am or how I'm doing. I don't even know if anyone reads this blog. I think it was more for my benefit. So that I could just sit down with my thoughts and honestly hash out how I feel I'm doing with these things. Which clearly, I don't think I'm doing very well at this point. But that's the one thing I love about God, no matter how poorly I feel like I'm doing with becoming the person He wants me to become, He's always there with His arms full of grace and love, which covers over all of my shortcomings, and in turn, gives me more hope that I can continue to work towards becoming that person at my own pace, or rather at the pace that He's set for me to be running at this specific time in my life. Because in the end, there's no room to be bummed out on yourself with a God who's never bummed out with you, no matter how many times you screw up. Which is pretty incalculable for me at this point. Thank you for that God. I need it. Big time. Love you lots and lots.

Models - Kayla Murray

2010-02-16T12:29:00.002-07:00

Some shots I did recently for the modeling portfolio of Kayla Murray.

Sarah and Jason's Engagement Session

2010-02-11T19:30:00.005-07:00

recently i got the chance to do some shots to celebrate the engagement of my friends sarah and jason. i'm pretty darn stoked on how they turned out. CHECK IT.

Lifestyles Session with the Bauers.

2010-01-31T11:55:00.005-07:00

A guy I used to be in a band with made half of these kids, and they are AWESOME. I had a lot of fun shooting them. Check it.

RIP Howard Zinn

2010-01-27T22:33:00.002-07:00

howard zinn passed away today. and with him i think maybe a little piece of the hope i still have for this country did as well. if you don't know him, howard zinn was a historian who saw american history not through the eyes of it's leaders or victories, but through the eyes of slaves, farmers, workers, teachers, bus drivers and the average people who make up this country. two of his most famous works were "a people's history of the united states" and "you can't be neutral on a moving train." i recommend you check them out, maybe you'll rethink a thing or two you hadn't in the past. as thomas jefferson said, "dissent is the highest form of patriotism." howard zinn was truly a great patriot, historian, and man, and his commentary will be surely missed. rest in peace mr. zinn.

please keep my savior out of your rhetoric.

2010-01-26T00:52:00.002-07:00

i've been thinking a lot about religion and politics lately. and the more i do, the more i just get BUMMED out. i am so so so SOO sick of listening to people bring jesus into their political agenda's and rhetoric. stop it. jesus would not vote republican. jesus would not vote democrat. jesus probably wouldn't vote at all if he lived in this country, given the rampant corruption and lies that every politician, regardless of party affiliation, seems to innocuously share. let me get into some gritty details.

the senate race in massachusetts last week. dear lord. i can't count the number of facebook status' i had to read saying something along the lines of "another victory for us!" the us, of course, referring to the "christian" populous in general. i use the word christian in quotation marks because i tend to get the feeling that these people have no idea what jesus ever talked about, aside from the part of the gospels where he specifically told everyone to vote republican (which clearly never happened). the biggest problem i have with these neo-conservative people who claim to represent my savior, is that they only perpetuate the "us vs. them" mentality which has been the singular cause of every act of hate, violence, malice, or war in the entire history of humankind. i believe the new testament makes it clear over and over again that there is no more "us and them." we are all one. mankind is one. jesus came for all. he came to save all and to love all. and several times, he boiled down his entire philosophy into two commandments, "love god and love other people." and yet the separation and resentment that i see running so wildly in the "christian political" commentary, completely goes against everything that jesus stood for.

i've been listening to a lot of interesting commentary on that subject lately. it's interesting that the "christian" population in this country who claim to be republican, what i will refer to as the "christian right", are so interested and invested in "taking the country back for god." they are so active in politics and so vehemently believe that their only goal in life should be to make the laws of this country reflect their moral convictions. which is ridiculous. what's so fascinating, is i read recently that in china, where being a christian can result in imprisonment, torture, and death, this attitude doesn't exist at all. and christianity is spreading like wildfire in that country. there are definitely enough christians there that they could rise up and change things if they wanted to. but oddly enough, they don't want to. apparently they're more concerned with fellowship with other believers and praising god, and living out the teachings of jesus in their everyday lives. hmm. interesting.

i wonder if the problem could possibly be that people in this country are so accustomed to getting what they want all the time, that they're scared of the slightest possibility of any kind of suffering or injustice. and i think that problem is especially prevalent in the attitudes of the christian right. they're so active in politics because they're so scared of the possibility that something might happen that would make them leave their comfort zone. despite jesus' words to his followers, "in this world, you will have troubles" and "you will suffer on account of me", they're so stoked on getting their own way all the time, they had better take the necessary political action and put the specific people in office who believe what they believe so they won't ever have to worry about any kind of opposition or suffering.

and so, quite relentlessly, jesus' beautiful name is dragged through the mud, over and over again, and attributed to some of the most atrocious people and things i have ever witnessed. i'm starting to think it's time that people stopped stuffing words into jesus' mouth and pretending that he said them, and just start following the things he actually said and talked about. none of which had to do with politics. jesus didn't care about politics. jesus didn't care about the occupation of his people's homeland by the most brutal military empire in the history of the world. he didn't care about alleviating that occupation, or changing the laws of the empire. in fact he once said "give to caesar what is caesar's, and give to the lord what is the lord's". it would stand to reason that he saw the two as completely separate entities, and he didn't care one way or the other what happened with the one that was based in this world.

i wonder what would happen if the people in this country who claim to follow the teachings of christ stopped caring so much about what happens in washington, and started caring more about what happens to the poor and underprivileged people in their neighborhoods, cities, and around the world. because if one thing is clear to me from the time that christ spent on earth, it's that he cared about people. not about empire, not about laws, not about morals and the moral majority. he cared about spending time with the poor, the broken, the needy.

i wonder what would happen if we all started to listen to jesus, rather than constantly speaking for him.

it's been a while

2010-01-13T01:38:00.002-07:00

so i've kind of been ignoring this thing lately. not really on purpose, i just feel like i haven't had the proper motivation to write anything, which is pretty much because i haven't been doing anything with my life. i don't have a job. i don't have a car. i just sit at home, read books, play guitar, watch movies, then i go lift, and then come home and do more of the same. every day. it's a war on monotony, and monotony is currently winning. it's blasting my senses into a complete oblivion, drenching all of my nerves in novocaine. it just keeps becoming harder and harder to feel anything. but i'm still fighting, and i think that's important. i haven't given up hope yet. i have so many things looming on the horizon, possibilities, hopes, dreams, aspirations, and right now i'm just playing the waiting game, waiting to see what comes down the chute at me. for a while now it's been nothing. but i still have hope. something has to come soon. it has to.

i think the biggest thing that i've been realizing in all of this time is the lack of connection i have to this place now. to denver. to colorado. there's just nothing there anymore. i think especially not having a car and being immobile has made me realize that i'm a complete shut in here. no one cares. i can't really reach out and make plans with anyone, because i have no way of transporting myself to those plans, so it's like in a way, i'm giving everyone here the ultimate friend test. and they're all losing. and if you don't have people, then what do you have? some buildings and shopping centers and the familiar sillhouettes of mountains looming in the distance. and that's not enough to keep anyone around, unless they're an idiot.

i'm desperately in need of change. this place is just no longer healthy for me, it's no longer where i need to be. denver was great to me for the time i was here, and it will always be home, but it's just time to move on. sometimes you just gotta cut your losses and move on, and that's exactly what i intend to do. my soul has needed that for some time, and i've known for some time that it's what i've needed, but due to some constraints i haven't been able to leave. my lease is up at the end of may, and i just can't imagine having a reason to stay here anymore. this place is valium to my senses. i'm just numb. i need a fresh start. i need a new place. i need to be surrounded by people that actually ignite my soul.

and this is just rambling. i've talked about nashville so many times before, but this time i think it's just inevitable. two of my closest friends in the world, who i've missed every day since they moved away from denver will be moving there in the spring. another of my closest friends is considering moving there, and i'm hoping to convince him as soon as possible to go with me. and really the only friend i have left in colorado that is close enough at this point in my life to be of any consequence in my decision to move will more than likely be moving out of state when he gets his degree in may. and that's it. i've been building to this for a long time i feel like, and it just feels completely right at this point to move on.

everything that ignites my spirit is centered in nashville. music and photography are the only two things i've cared about for as long as i can remember, and nashville is the nation's capital of both. i can't imagine a better place to start working in the music industry, and interning for a photographer at the same time and getting my foot into that industry for more of a long term position. it sounds fantastic.

so that's my rant for the evening. colorado, i'd say that i'll miss you, but oddly i don't think i will.

FUCK.

2009-12-09T01:05:00.001-07:00

just. fuck. fucking fuck. bullshit.

Bop Skizzum Shoot.

2009-11-18T00:30:00.002-07:00

some shots i did recently for the flobots side project band bop skizzum. i'm stoked on the way these turned out.

it's official.

2009-11-14T20:23:00.002-07:00

marcusbaney.com has been purchased. website should be launching soon thanks to the super sick dudes over at interlaced designs. make sure you check them out! thanks adam and travis!

Vicki Cicala.

2009-11-09T00:29:00.001-07:00

Some promo shots I did for local singer/songwriter Vicki Cicala recently. Check it. Dig.

need an assistant!

2009-11-01T23:58:00.001-07:00

hey everybody. i'm looking for assistants for a couple of photo shoots i have this week. i can afford to pay you in experience and hugs. if you're interested let me know. thanks!

clone

2009-10-29T02:01:00.000-06:00

This is the end.
I am a shell. A tomb.
I am where I began.
Naked. Cold. Afraid.
I can only seem to clone myself in patterns that are far too played out.
And even then, the fabric just doesn't seem to hold.
My heart cries out with every stitch removed.
This wasn't made for this.
I wasn't made for this.
Am I where I began?
Or has my digression forsaken my progress?
Backwards. Forwards.
Who can tell with this thick, wet blanket coating everything I know.
I am the opposite of grace.
I am the opposite of humility.
I am the opposite of worthy.
I am the opposite of everything that is good.
I am the opposite of You.
How can we coexist?!
I can see no way to merge.
No possible coalescence.
I can't see anything.
Absolved into a thin piece of remorse,
I am fully prepared to shatter at even the slightest nuance.
I am regret.

But I, dear one, am not.
I am redemption.
I am desire.
I am who you are not.
I am who I am.
I am.

And I believe in you.

Feel the beat of life once more, child.
Sometimes you have to feel the sting of life simply to remember you are alive.
And sometimes you fall.
But fret not, my sweet child.
I am forever yours.
And you are forever mine.
Let that be enough for just this one solitary evening.
We shall face the challenges of the new day on the morrow.
Together.
Now rest.

yes please.

2009-10-27T15:47:00.003-06:00

i think the time has come for constant ingestion of massive quantities of this:

it's crazy

2009-10-13T15:05:00.002-06:00

how god can provide sometimes. especially if you just trust him. i really don't know where i'd be without him right now. pursuing your dreams can be hard. very hard. especially when you have nights like i did on saturday, when i found out there was $6 in my checking account. yes, 6. but god is good. he provides for my needs. i do have more than that in my account now, just in case you were wondering. this whole chasing after what i want thing is really scary, especially the financial aspect, but god is always providing. always giving me new avenues. i have a lot of exciting things in the works right now. working on finalizing some big shoots (not necessarily money wise, but contact wise at least), i'm actually in the process of starting a new band, i believe we're set to record this coming weekend. so who knows, maybe i'll actually get to head back out on tour some time soon. that would be neat. all in all, i just wanted to write something to attest to god's overall goodness in my life. even when it's dark, and it seems like i'm not doing the right thing, or what i want to do won't work out, god shows up out of nowhere and gives me what i need. i'm still alive. still breathing. there's still food in my fridge. my heat is on. i may be living meagerly at the moment, but i'm still living. and there's a lot to be said purely in that fact. i'm happy right now. i love living life in a manner which would scare the crap out of most people, and to be honest, a lot of days it scares me, but i'm right where i want to be, and i wouldn't trade that for anything.

love your life.

help please?!

2009-10-06T13:08:00.001-06:00

i am in need of a pretty modern house/high rise apartment with modern furniture, or somewhere with very vintage style furniture for a shoot. i can pay you in hugs and cookies. if you know anyone that has these sorts of digs PLEASE let me know. thanks!

Photographic Dictionary [M]

2009-10-05T01:56:00.003-06:00

[M] is for Manly.

man⋅ly [man-lee] - adverb, adjective

1. having qualities traditionally ascribed to men, as strength or bravery.
2. pertaining to or suitable for males: manly sports.
3. Archaic. in a manly manner.

Photographic Dictionary [L]

2009-10-03T21:32:00.002-06:00

[L] is for Leaf.

leaf [leef] – noun

1. one of the expanded, usually green organs borne by the stem of a plant.
2. any similar or corresponding lateral outgrowth of a stem.
3. a petal: a rose leaf.
4. leaves collectively; foliage.

it seems

2009-10-03T10:06:00.001-06:00

that every time i have something that seems good going for me, it just falls through. i have no place here. i do not belong.

i am the vines of the sea. and comfort eludes me.

new photography page

2009-09-28T15:33:00.002-06:00

if anyone out there is on myspace, please add the new photography page i just created. www.myspace.com/marcusbaneyphotography. thank you!!

Justin Kryszan

2009-09-28T11:49:00.003-06:00

some promo shots for a neat dude named justin kryszan i did recently. check out his music at www.myspace.com/geeijoseph.

Photographic Dictionary [K]

2009-09-22T15:35:00.000-06:00

[K] is for Killer.

kill⋅er [kil-er] – adjective Slang.

1.Slang. something or someone having a formidable impact, devastating effect, etc.: The math test was a real killer.
2.severe; powerful: a killer cold.
3.very difficult or demanding: a killer chess tournament.
4.highly effective; superior: a killer recipe for fried chicken.

The Juggalog

2009-09-16T11:52:00.002-06:00

So, through a very strange series of events, which I won't delve into here, one of my best friends is selling t-shirts for a band called (hed) P.E. on their current tour. That tour, just so happens to be with the band ICP. Yes, my friend Dustin is on tour with ICP. If you're anything like me, you are completely intrigued by this "juggalo" subculture, as is Dustin. Therefore, in an effort to decipher this way of life, Dustin has created a blog where he will be recording all of his thoughts, notes, observations, research, and findings into what exactly comprises this way of life. And it's going to be incredible. Check out his blog here. That is all.

Photographic Dictionary [J]

2009-09-16T00:39:00.004-06:00

[J] is for Jazz.

jazz [jaz] – noun

1.music originating in New Orleans around the beginning of the 20th century and subsequently developing through various increasingly complex styles, generally marked by intricate, propulsive rhythms, polyphonic ensemble playing, improvisatory, virtuosic solos, melodic freedom, and a harmonic idiom ranging from simple diatonicism through chromaticism to atonality.

yes, i know, this photo is pretty noisy. i like it that way. it makes me feel like it's a real print. remember those?!

Vanessa Voss Promo's

2009-09-16T00:05:00.003-06:00

Some promotional shots I did recently for my friend Vanessa Voss. Check her music out. Dig it.

first senior pictures shoot

2009-09-12T18:40:00.003-06:00

these are my favorite two from my first ever shoot for senior portraits. check it.

A Dialogue

2009-09-10T01:46:00.000-06:00

Tonight I had a few moments to ponder my financial situation. A few too many moments as a matter of fact. And I started stressing. So I decided to sit and write a song, and the lyrics ended up coming out more as a plea to God. This is how it started:

In the shadows the still of the night
Is calling you home.
I still remember them burning so bright
As if to say, "you're not alone."

We are the fallen of men.
Goodnight.

The "them" I was referring to as burning was the oil lamps the Hebrews lit that burned all night on just a little bit of oil in the old testament. For reference.

Then I needed to write a chorus. It turned out that God wrote it for me. To me.

"But I won't leave your side.
I'll carry you home.
See how the stars always shine?"

I sung it a few times and then cried for a while. Sometimes the beauty and power of God in my life is just so overwhelming. It just completely dwarfs everything that could possibly bring me down.

"Do not fear the troubles of this world, for I have overcome the world, and everything in it."

- Jesus - John 16:33

I think I need to cry some more. Beautiful moments have a tendancy to do that to you. I also think I'm going to finish the rest of this song tomorrow. Too much for one evening.

Photographic Dictionary [I]

2009-09-07T14:18:00.002-06:00

[I] is for Idea.

i⋅de⋅a [ahy-dee-uh, ahy-deeuh] – noun

1. any conception existing in the mind as a result of mental understanding, awareness, or activity.
2. a thought, conception, or notion:
3. an impression:
4. an opinion, view, or belief:

red eye

2009-09-07T01:07:00.000-06:00

Some nights sleep just avoids me. Like he just skirts around the entire neighborhood. So he's close enough that I know he's nearby, but not close enough for me to be able to do anything with.

I'm thinking tonight. A lot. I have these nights every so often. Where I just lie awake and can't sleep, mind racing a million miles an hour. They happen pretty rarely, so I try not to complain too much when they come around. I've just got so many things spinning around upstairs right now. And there's not really anything I can do with them right now. There's nothing to sort out at the moment. And yet my brain is trying to anyway.

Ideas for the future. Ideas for possibilities. Ideas for possibilities for the future. Or the present. Or whatever semblance of a present and future I can even have at the moment given everything that's currently going on. I don't even know. I'm just racing in circles right now. Not getting anywhere. And it's not that I have anxiety about it. I don't. I just like where things are right now. I like all of the possibilities that things in my life have the chance to become. It's exciting.

I'm seeing so many dreams I've had for so long turning into realities (or at least the tangible possibility to become reality, which is more than I've been able to say for a long time). Music and photography. The only two things of this world I've ever given really given two shits about. And I feel like they both have a good chance of becoming jobs for me at this point. Those aren't jobs!! Are you kidding me?!? Talk about the luckiest boy on earth!! Jobs are boring and stupid. You're not supposed to care about jobs!! And yet these two things that I love so much actually have the potential to provide monetary income in the near future. NUTS!

Of course they're not right now. If only. And who knows. Maybe things won't work out and I'll never end up making money from either of them. God has a funny way of working things out sometimes. I don't know what he's up to yet. All I know is that despite the fact that I have no source of income right now, I have not felt this alive and passionate and free in I don't even know how long. It's like god knew exactly what I needed was a shove out the door so I could stop making excuses about not following my dreams, and just follow them. And so I'm doing it. Sans money. Which is crazy. And I have never been less worried in my entire life.

God is crazy. Crazy good. And I know he'll provide for me. Lord knows I don't need a whole lot to live off of. 70% of the worlds population make and live off of less than $2 American per day. Half of that (roughly 1/3) live off of less than $1 American per day. If they can manage, so can I. I'd rather starve to death spending my time doing the things I love than be loaded and hating everything about my life. And I can do that at this point in my life. I have no dependants. And I'm not planning on getting any anytime soon. And by anytime soon I mean ever. I'm on the single for life plan. Big time.

So in the end of all my ranting and raving I just want to say this: God is good. Real good. And I'm really glad he's got me where he does right now. Love you daddy.

paper hearts

2009-09-05T21:58:00.002-06:00

miles of distance.
years of discourse.

and this is the song we sing.

hearts too fragile tear all too easily.

tonight i shall continue to sing this same song.
the one i've found myself singing over and over again.

and every time it graces my lips, i'm already tired of it's tune.
tonight is no different.
these lyrics have grown stale, stagnant.
and yet they continue to describe me.
to so accurately portray my story.

what does that say about me?
how stale have i become?

this state begs a deeper inspection.
shall i step inside myself again?
will i be disgusted with what i find?

time continues to wear it's crooked graces across my weathered soul.

this separation bears witness to my decay.

and so we continue to sing this song and dance this dance.

let my lips not grow weary, dear provider.
rather, let me see these notes and bars in a new way.
a way in which i see them for how you composed them,
rather than for the song they currently sing.

so shall i continue.

repose.

tell me

2009-09-05T18:20:00.002-06:00

just how the fuck are you supposed to forget someone when they continually invade your dreams? any idea's? ah pain. my arch nemesis and oldest friend. welcome back home. fuck my life.

exciting things

2009-09-03T18:53:00.003-06:00

trip to indianapolis is in the bag. i am now sitting back at DIA after being home for a few hours, ready to jet set to nashville for what i hope will be a fantastic weekend. things are shaping up nicely. god, i don't know how you work things out the way you do sometimes, but you are awesome. i should know within a week where things in life are headed. nuts.

new workout routine

2009-08-31T13:53:00.002-06:00

i am so stoked on lifting these days it's not even funny. the recent addition of NO shotgun to my preworkout routine is incredible. as dave would say, i was getting decent pumps, but now i am getting beyond decent pumps. decent. hahaha. i crack myself up with how ridiculous i'm getting. lord help me.

Photographic Dictionary [H]

2009-08-30T17:08:00.003-06:00

[H] is for Hear

hear [heer] – verb

1.to perceive by the ear: Didn't you hear the doorbell?
2.to learn by the ear or by being told; be informed of: to hear news.
3.to listen to; give or pay attention to: They refused to hear our side of the argument.
4.to be among the audience at or of (something): to hear a recital.

My friends in the band Oh, Sleeper let me snap a few live shots of them at their recent show in Colorado Springs. Amazing band, even better dudes. They just put out a new record called "Son of the Morning" on Solid State. Do yourself a favor and go pick it up.

photo shoots

2009-08-27T21:37:00.002-06:00

due to my recent acquisition of a professional studio lighting set up, i am currently booking free photo shoots. so if you are a band/senior/couple/anyone who needs professional quality photo's, hit me up. if you know anyone that needs shoots please send them my way. i am booking for free right now to build my portfolio, and you can't get much better than free. so do it to it. thanks kids.

significance

2009-08-27T18:58:00.002-06:00

things are potentially getting crazy in life. i fly to indianapolis on tuesday to try out for a band. i fly to nashville on thursday, if things go well in indy i might just be looking at houses, and then come back and throw some stuff in my car and head out there. nuts. nuts. nuts. keep me in your thoughts and prayers boys and girls. the next week of my life could be life changing.

photoshop

2009-08-25T22:58:00.003-06:00

i recently acquired photoshop and i'm working on figuring out how to use it to edit my photo's. this is probably my favorite one i have post processed. thoughts?

Photographic Dictionary [G]

2009-08-24T13:26:00.002-06:00

[G] is for Gravity

grav⋅i⋅ty [grav-i-tee] – noun

1.the force of attraction by which terrestrial bodies tend to fall toward the center of the earth.
2.heaviness or weight.
3.serious or critical nature: He seemed to ignore the gravity of his illness.
4.serious or dignified behavior; dignity; solemnity: to preserve one's gravity.
5.lowness in pitch, as of sounds.

Photographic Dictionary [F]

2009-08-19T01:08:00.002-06:00

[F] is for Foundation

foun⋅da⋅tion [foun-dey-shuhn] – noun
1. the basis or groundwork of anything.
2. the natural or prepared ground or base on which some structure rests.
3. the lowest division of a building, wall, or the like, usually of masonry and partly or wholly below the surface of the ground.
4. the act of founding, setting up, establishing, etc.
5. the state of being founded.

finally

2009-08-17T19:52:00.001-06:00

just booked my plane ticket to go to nashville for labor day weekend. SO stoked to finally spend some time in this city and decide once and for all whether it will be my permanent residence. so so excited.

how short we are.

2009-08-09T18:44:00.002-06:00

i've been thinking a lot about life and death lately. a couple of weeks ago one of my roommates came home pretty torn up. he volunteers with high school students in the same ministry i used to work in. he was hanging out with a couple of freshman guys one night (i believe they were both 14), and they happened upon the scene of a motorcycle accident that had occurred just moments beforehand. they were literally the first on the scene, along with one other car, and the other motorcyclist the guy had been riding with. though he wasn't sure what happened, apparently the guy riding just wandered out of his lane and clipped the curb of the median, being thrown immediately from his bike. he wasn't wearing any protective gear. my roommate of course got out of his car to try and help and see what was going on. he said he and the guy from the other car had to help flip this guy over because he was literally choking to death on his own blood from the internal injuries he had sustained in the crash. of course they had to be very careful because who knows what kind of spinal injuries he may have sustained as well. so here is my roommate, and two 14 year old about to be freshman in high school, just watching this poor man drown in a pool of his own blood waiting for an ambulance to arrive. as soon as the ambulance arrived they took off because my roommate felt it was prudent to keep the kids from having to see anymore than what they already had. and they were pretty shaken up by it. who wouldn't be?

so after getting home and telling us this story, it's just been pressing on my heart as of late. the guy died after being airlifted to a hospital. it's just crazy to me how little control we have over our circumstances. i mean, yes it could be argued that this guy was taking way too many extra risks in just riding a motorcycle, and especially riding with no protective equipment. but that's not what i'm talking about. i can guarantee that an accident like that is not how he was planning on going out. no one plans for that sort of thing. but it happens. all the time. i think especially living in america, we tend to put this protective bubble around ourselves, believing ourselves impervious to these sorts of tragedies. when we're not. safety is such an illusion. and it's an illusion that i would be willing to say most people spend their entire lives chasing after. what a waste! to spend all of your time chasing the idea of something that doesn't actually exist. having spent a lot of time traveling to third world countries and hanging out with people who have no idea what the illusion of safety even is, i have to say it's such a refreshing concept. no one i've met in afghanistan or the dominican republic or mexico spends their time thinking about how to make their lives safer and more convenient. they just worry about living. about spending time with the people they care about and making the most of what they have. what would things be like here if people started to rearrange their priorities so that they weren't at the top of their own list? what could we change? what could we do about the sad state the rest of the world is in?

we have an entire country freaking out about an economic recession right now. even though if you've taken even the most basic course in macroeconomics (which is a prerequisite for graduation at most high schools in the country now), you would know that recessions are an inevitable part of the economic cycle. it's part of how a free market economy works. it goes up and down and up and down. but like i said, everyone here has prioritized their lives so that they are the most important part, and god forbid you take a paycut and make $50,000 this year instead of $75,000. something like 70% of the world makes and lives on less than $1 american per day. and yet they're still alive. still breathing. no thanks to us of course.

i'm doing a lot of rambling, and i apologize. i guess what i'm trying to say is this: life is way too short to spend all of your time thinking about yourself. there is way too much hurt and pain in the world, and selfishness and greed aren't doing anything. i'm reminded of jesus' command to "store up treasures for yourself in heaven, not on earth where moth and rust destroy." because in the end, no matter how much money you save and no matter how secure you make your house, when you die, you die. and none of that gets to go with you. why not spend your time and money making a difference for the people that you share the world with, instead of piling up a bunch of stuff that's just going to decay and mean nothing to you after you're gone.

like i said, i've been thinking a lot lately. sometimes i wish i wasn't the only one thinking.

Photographic Dictionary [E]

2009-08-09T17:11:00.002-06:00

[E] is for Element.

el⋅e⋅ment [el-uh-muhnt] – noun
1. a component or constituent of a whole or one of the parts into which a whole may be resolved by analysis: Bricks and mortar are elements of every masonry wall.
2. a natural habitat, sphere of activity, environment, etc.: to be in one's element; Water is the element of fish.
3. any group of people singled out within a larger group by identifiable behavior patterns, common interests, ethnic similarities, etc.: He worried that the protest rally would attract the radical element.
4. one of the substances, usually earth, water, air, and fire, formerly regarded as constituting the material universe.

Photographic Dictionary [D]

2009-08-02T22:31:00.002-06:00

[D] is for Dissipate.

dis⋅si⋅pate [dis-uh-peyt] verb

1. to become scattered or dispersed; be dispelled; disintegrate: The sun shone and the mist dissipated.
2. to indulge in extravagant, intemperate, or dissolute pleasure.

RIP ACB

2009-07-30T13:46:00.001-06:00

as cities burn broke up today. there goes any chance music had for redemption. RIP music. and RIP ACB.

Photographic Dictionary [C]

2009-07-26T21:02:00.001-06:00

[C] is for Contact.

con⋅tact [kon-takt]
–noun
1. the act or state of touching; a touching or meeting, as of two things or people.
2. immediate proximity or association.
3. an acquaintance, colleague, or relative through whom a person can gain access to information, favors, influential people, and the like.
4. Electricity. a junction of electric conductors, usually metal, that controls current flow, often completing or interrupting a circuit.
5. Geology. the interface, generally a planar surface, between strata that differ in lithology or age.
6. Medicine/Medical. a person who has lately been exposed to an infected person.
7. Sociology. a condition in which two or more individuals or groups are placed in communication with each other.

ramblin man

2009-07-20T00:06:00.000-06:00

I've always said insomnia is a terrible thing to waste, and I'm sticking to that. It's Sunday night and I've been tossing and turning for the last hour and a half. Fabulous. Tomorrow will be a great day at work I'm sure. I've just got a lot on my mind right now. This weekend I got to host some awesome awesome dudes in a band called Amarna Reign at my house. They're friends of a friend from Indiana and needed a place to crash for a couple days on their tour with The Showdown. It was great to hang out with them, but gosh it made me miss being in a band SO much. Being broke as shit, eating shit for food, and sleeping in a shitty van. Every day. And it's all I want to do. It's actually mind boggling. And right now there is actually possibility of being back in a band in the future. Which is crazy to think about. There are actually two good possibilities on the horizon. The problem is that I'm going to have to pick which one I want to pursue, and the one I want to pursue more also has a good chance of ending with both possibilities not working out, because of some timing issues. Timing has never really been my thing anyway. Sigh. It's just a lot on my plate right now. And I keep praying and praying and I'm not really getting much in the way of direction. And that's what is eating my mind up tonight. Either way, it looks like Indiana could be a lot closer than Nashville. But then again the girl of my dreams is in Nashville, even though she doesn't know it. Sigh. I'm rambling. I need an ambien, or a night cap, of the Jack Daniel's variety. Since the pharmacy is most likely closed and I don't have a prescription, I'm probably going to go with the latter. Good night. (hopefully).

Photographic Dictionary [B]

2009-07-19T12:12:00.004-06:00

I was a little behind in posting [A], so we're already on to [B]. here you go.

[B] is for Burger

burg⋅er [bur-ger]
–noun
a hamburger.

currently being jammed:

2009-07-18T18:33:00.002-06:00

hopefully regina is helping balance out the mega chad-dom.

Photographic Dictionary [A]

2009-07-18T18:23:00.003-06:00

my friend turned me on to this concept. you take pictures you've taken, and assign them to a word that corresponds to a certain letter of the alphabet. this week i'm doing the letter [A]. for more info check out the photographic dictionary

[A] is for Assist.

as⋅sist [uh-sist]
–verb (used with object)
1.to give support or aid to; help: Please assist him in moving the furniture.
2.to be associated with as an assistant or helper.

please

2009-07-14T14:13:00.002-06:00

just don't talk to me. not tonight. not ever.

my only goal in life is to never see you again.

faximile.

2009-07-06T00:44:00.001-06:00

as your face goes white

you find out all of the lines

that you drew so long ago

will never take you home

and your vision blurs with doubt.

this death knows you long to go home

but all of your lies drag you down.

you cry out your plea, but your skin is anchored deep

and you'll drink in the immeasurable sound.

ascimilate

2009-06-27T12:26:00.002-06:00

so lately i have been completely redeveloping two HUGE passions of mine. one is photography. a couple months ago i FINALLY made myself commit to go out and buy a dslr, and i have been loving it. it's so amazing to get out and start shooting again. it's a feeling i missed so much. there's something so completely freeing about being behind the lens. i somehow just forgot it over the last couple years. there's just something so incredible about capturing a moment in history, a completely unique and original point in time, in a way that only you can see it. it blows my mind. it's been fantastic. so getting out and being able to shoot again inspired me to cough up some more money and buy a darkroom setup. it's not quite complete yet, but within a couple weeks i should be back to the point of being able to develop my own film and prints. which is great. i do like certain aspects of digital photography, but it will just never take the place of a darkroom for me. tweaking your prints in a computer program, and tweaking your prints with a set of tools and a light and a lot of paper are just so completely different. darkrooms are so much more real to me. when i edit prints on a computer i just don't feel like i'm actually doing anything. it's just not as gratifying. for me anyway. but all that is to say, i am loving taking pictures again. i have been starting to figure out that i think i would love to be a photographer later on in my life. i definitely still want to play music for a few years. because i love it. but after all that is said and done i would love to go work for a non profit and just do photography and traveling for them. to me, photojournalism is the ultimate form of photography. especially warzone and third world. there's just something about that form of photography that changes people's minds, lives, and hearts. at that point it's not just taking a picture, it's a documentation of the human struggle that no pen could ever capture. i want to do that.

which leads me to the second passion of mine that's been reignited. in figuring out that i would love to do photography for a non profit organization, i have gotten back into remembering that the biggest thing in the third world that i've seen that i have a heart for is the lack of clean drinking water. every day over 30,000 people around the world die from lack of access to clean drinking water. they die. it costs $1 to provide clean drinking water for a person for an entire year, and yet people are still dying from this. one of the leading organizations that builds and restores wells around the world has come out with a figure that has said that the sum total of $10 billion would build and restore enough wells to fix the entire world's clean drinking water problem. FOREVER. that blows my mind. our country is in the process of spending almost $800 billion dollars to fix a stupid economy that will fix itself in the long run anyway (it always has), and just $10 billion would provide clean drinking water and sanitation for the entire planet forever?!? it blows my mind. it completely tears my heart apart to think that people are dying from this. i guess it just shows the true colors of the human condition. here we are, living in a country where the poverty line is more money than most people in the third world will ever even see in the entire sum of their lives, and we're spending one of the most ungodly amount of money i've ever heard of to fix our economy so we can all make more money. it sickens me.

that being said, my dad and i have been talking about this problem for the last couple of months, and we have decided that we are going to raise enough money to build a well in a third world country. we haven't decided yet which organization we are going to give the money to go do this (there are several good ones, we are in the process of selecting an organization that works in the area we want to work in), but we have decided it's something we want to do. so, if you would like to contribute any money to this project (all money donated will be tax deductible), please get a hold of me via email at marcus.baney@yahoo.com.

i think that's it for now. those have been the two big focus area's of my life lately. that's pretty much what's going on with marcus.

vii

2009-06-20T18:31:00.000-06:00

i stumbled across the photojournalism collaboration of fantastic artists at vii photo agency today. if you're into that sort of thing please check them out.

http://www.viiphoto.com

wind.

2009-06-15T21:25:00.002-06:00

some days i feel like i'm becoming a ghost.

my transient soul floats aimlessly day to day.

and no one see's dead people.

or if they do they don't care.

some days i find everything i need.

some days i find nothing i need.

and some days i find that the people i thought i needed

aren't the people i need at all.

simply because they don't need me.

some days we belittle ourselves to the point

of no existence.

some days are today.

legit.

2009-06-11T15:55:00.000-06:00

Life is feeling pretty legit these days. At least for now. Certain people are unquestionably out of my life. People that needed to be out of my life. That's a phenomenal feeling. I've been back in the word lately, which is awesome. I don't know how I let myself get on such bad lapses where I'm not in it for so long. But I finally made myself go pick up a chronological bible and I've been tearing through that. It's such a refreshing way to read. Reading about david's struggles and then being able to read the psalms he wrote during those times of trouble directly after, it just puts things in good perspective. I like it a lot. I've also just been having a lot of fun lately. Weddings, dancing, golf, making mario party into a drinking game, developing crushes (weird), volcano taco's (substitute beans for beef). Haha. Everyone always tells me my blogs are so negative and they make me seem like I'm super bummed out all the time (which I'm not), so here's a nice posi one for y'all. I dig life currently. So suck on that.

you are not the sun

2009-06-06T11:06:00.002-06:00

life is funny sometimes. i had a good conversation last night with one of my best friends, that prompted me to make a decision to do something that i've needed to do for a long time. it prompted me to try and have a conversation with a person who i have desperately needed to have a conversation with for a long time now, and could never man up and commit myself to doing it. i would always think i could and then i'd just chicken out at the last minute. so after a good conversation with my friend (and a bit of liquid courage), i contacted this person who has contacted me about talking so many times, and said i was finally ready to have this conversation. and the feeling wasn't reciprocated. which hurt a little bit, i'll admit. but today i feel amazing. for the first time in the last year and a half, none of this is on me. i don't feel responsible for it anymore.

today i woke up to a new sun. a sun that isn't her.

i think i'm ready to just let that be what it is. finally.

oh life

2009-06-04T23:27:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wish I could figure out what you were about. I like to think that things would be more fun if I knew what was going on, but I don't think they actually would. Oh well. I wish I could figure out my heart more than anything these days. That thing is on a roller coaster for sure. Which isn't stressful at all, don't even worry about it.

Sigh. Breathe.
In and out. In and out.

This too shall pass. I think that's becoming my new theme for life. I don't know how I feel about that.

Emily, I'm glad you and I are real friends again and we can suck at life together. You're the best.

Over and out.

pearl.

2009-05-31T22:24:00.000-06:00

Colors changing, reminds me of forever
Like a whisper to which I'm clinging.

When autumn snowfalls in new apartments
Paint over everything we had.

When all our days seem to slowly
Melt into nothing
But we passed them warm and together.

But tonight we all fall right down to nothing.
And you think to yourself, "you're not here."

Don't let it fade.
Don't let it fade.
Don't let your silence bring regrets.
Don't let it fade.
Don't let it fade.
Don't let your tears bring jubilation.

But tonight we all fall right down to nothing.
And you think to yourself, "you're not here."

the lion.

2009-05-31T22:19:00.000-06:00

When you see her face
It reminds you of someone to be.
As you walk away
It reminds you to stop and breathe in.

This is your night, and I will be there
I'll carry your sorrows home.
Oh bird without flight, you'll find the sea yeah
And there you won't be alone.
Finding a stone that's worth it's weight.
In time you won't hesitate.

When you see her face
It reminds you of someone to be.
As you walk away
It reminds you to stop and breathe in.

I am your face, I'm the lion
Who haunts all your memories.
Despite your disgrace, I will help you find it
The place you will never see
If you do this all on your own.
Washed to the shore by the undertow.

When you see her face
It reminds you of someone to be.
As you walk away
It reminds you to stop and breathe in.

Watching the hearts on the surface drown
You can't deny your head is spinning around
Don't fall now your homeward bound
You could be free.

face.

2009-05-31T21:26:00.002-06:00

sometimes i wish i was more like the wind.

that i could just readjust and renew whenever and wherever i went.

i wish i wasn't so tied down by my past.

i wish i could let certain people go.

sigh.

but i can't.

at least not yet.

the wind is outside, i can hear it.

moving itself wherever it pleases, without a care for anything or anyone else.

it isn't held down.

it isn't held back.

it just is.

i wish i could describe my life with the sentence: marcus is.

but again, i can't.

it's always going to be: marcus is not.

ok.

fulfilled.

valued.

appreciated.

cared for.

i can't stand these nights.

i wish they would pass with the wind.

but all that damned wind ever does is remind me of the pain that is still left behind.

that she left.

damnit all.

bring it out.

2009-05-24T23:20:00.004-06:00

i'm all jimble jambled tonight. i don't know what's going on with me. my heart is in a million different places right now, and i don't really know where any of them are to be exact. anxiety is getting the better of me. since when does that happen? anxiety isn't my thing. not even close. i'm not even anxious. maybe.... apprehensive? i don't know. i wish i knew what was going on with my life. i wish i knew anything. i hate this feeling. no wonder anxiety often devolves into manic depression. i couldn't get used to this. and i really hope i don't have to.

just let it ride.

a great band once said:

"time won't save our souls.

time won't save my soul."

i need to let that sink in.

and breathe. just breathe.

outsider art.

2009-05-18T01:12:00.000-06:00

I think I had a pretty profound conversation with god tonight. I was praying, when all of a sudden the phrase "god, paint me" left my lips. Lately I've been trying to think of the bible and this story of Christ and life not as some checklist of do's and don'ts, but rather as the most beautiful and grandiose work in progress painting ever to be undertaken. And when you begin to see Jesus like that, he's quite good at taking your breath away. So seeing god as the artist for this story, this masterpiece, I asked him to paint my life for me. And he quietly responded, "I am the artist, and I am painting you into my story as we speak." there were a few other things said that I don't quite recall, but I was moved to tears. Shortly after that I took communion, and after dipping the bread in the juice, I looked at it and realized that it was the most beautiful paint brush I had ever seen. That was very reassuring. As I think about god painting the story of my life, I like to think of myself as outsider art. Probably not beautiful or understood in the eyes of most, but in the eyes of my creator I am absolutely priceless. I treasure that idea. My heart swoons at it. And I can't help but be moved to tears by something so bold and beautiful. I love you.

index

2009-05-12T21:56:00.000-06:00

Misery rides high tonight.
And everything else skins just below the radar.
This is, in essence, the finer absolution of everything we have come to call home.
And yet I feel no remorse.
I will shed no tears on this solitary evening.
For respite was just never quite ours to begin with.
This rest for which we so aimlessly pine.
We were never destined for it, were we?
Fitting I suppose.
I should have expected as much.
Why would I be able to enjoy my days?
That would give me far too much value in the human sort of sense.
And we can't have that, now, can we?

This is eating away at my eye sockets.
I am slowly disintegrating from the man that I am to the man I simply was.
And now I am a shell.
A hollow being.
Not quite meant for this life.
Or any other for that matter.

I am a machine.
I exist in name only.
I am not really here.
At times I wonder if I ever was.

Slowly, ever so slowly, but with carefully exponentiating grace.

I dissolve.